Charlie Sheen is planning to retire from acting. He wants to live a happy life, filled with soccer games and amusement parks and extremely forgiving ex-wives. But before he gets to live that happy life, he has to pull just one last job. It’s kind of like he’s the protagonist of his very own Michael Mann movie, except in this case the “last job” is not an existential bank robbery — it’s the production of Sheen’s new FX sitcom Anger Management, which is based on a movie or based on Sheen’s life or based on something something something boobs [LAUGH TRACK].
As reported by the New York Times, Anger Management is currently set to run for only 10 episodes; if it hits a certain ratings mark, the show will begin production on 90 more episodes. In an interesting twist, though, the show will apparently produce those 90 episodes in the span of two years. Which is how you know that every episode will feature a cerebral script built on narrative complexity. Just kidding! [LAUGH TRACK].
But the point is, if Sheen is to be believed, we only have at most two more years left until Sheen officially ends an acting career that unofficially ended when Sheen decided that the extent of his “acting” would be “showing up to work wearing a golf shirt.” What should ol’ Char-Char do when he’s finished with performing? Here are some ideas — share your own in the comments, and remember: something something something sex [LAUGH TRACK].
Potential Retirement Activities for Charlie Sheen:
1. Travel the country as a motivational speaker teaching kids an important message: “If you’re incredibly rich, you can get away with anything.”
2. Hire Walter Isaacson to write his biography, tentatively titled Charlie Sheen: An American Life.
3. Get a medical degree from an offshore medical university and host a self-help series on OWN.
4. Star in a reality TV show “Charlie and the Sheen Machine,” which is mostly about Charlie Sheen attempting to convince his father and brother to star on a reality TV show with him.
5. Finally get around to writing The Zane Zaminsky Chronicles, his long-planned science-fiction trilogy about the further adventures of the protagonist of The Arrival.
6. Coach a ragtag youth hockey team into a final showdown with the villainous Team Iceland.
7. Go on the bender to end all benders.
8. Try to get everyone to realize that The Wraith is actually a really good movie, you guys.
9. Build a money bin and swim in the aforementioned money bin.
10. Walk the earth like Caine in Kung Fu.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich