1. Russell Crowe to play title role in biblical epic Noah
I haven’t read the Bible. This is basically a reboot of Evan Almighty with the guy from Master and Commander, right?
2. Two thousand people watch Willie Nelson perform ”Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die” as his statue is unveiled in Austin on 4/20 at 4:20 p.m.
Traffic was exceptionally light after the ceremony as 2,000 people unintentionally reenacted Dude, Where’s My Car?
3. Angelina Jolie promoted from goodwill ambassador for U.N. refugee agency to special envoy
Clooney turned to Keibler and said, ”Please tell me you’ve at least been volunteering at an animal shelter or racing for a cure.”
4. LMFAO reportedly sued by ex-management for $7 million
Look out for their next single, ”I’m in Mediation, Bitch!”
5. Cable network featuring programming for canines to roll out nationwide
It’s comedy (How I Met Your Mongrel), drama (The Good Weimaraner), and reality (Shar-pei Tank) that your dog can sink its teeth into.
6. Spike TV host Katie Linendoll sets Guinness World Record by high-fiving 107 hands in one minute
That’s nothing — when Kanye West wakes up every morning, he does twice that by himself.
7. Kim Kardashian says that she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, Calif., in five years
Informed that one can’t run for mayor, only city council, whose members take turns serving as mayor, Kim said: ”Sorry, I tuned you out. Did you say something about it being my turn?”
8. Lawsuit filed by ICM against Pauly D for allegedly unpaid commissions reveals he made $150,000 per episode for season 5 of Jersey Shore
Sure, it sounds excessive, but it covered only a third of his gel budget.
9. Mark Zuckerberg reportedly struck $1 billion deal to buy Instagram without consulting Facebook’s board of directors
Oh my God, I would have killed to see the look on their faces with an Earlybird filter.