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Hit List: March 23, 2012

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1. Katy Perry 3-D concert film hits theaters this summer
Anytime her chest shoots whipped cream or fireworks, adult moviegoers will be advised to slip protective goggles over their 3-D glasses. Children 13 and under will be forced to wear sleep masks.

2. High school student gives MPAA petition with 200,000-plus signatures urging organization to change R rating on antibullying documentary Bully
”You gonna change it now, MPAA? Huh? Huh? Are you? You better or I’ll — [deep breath] — sorry about that. I do hope, though, that you’ll at least consider it.”

3. One Million Moms drops campaign to get Ellen DeGeneres fired as J.C. Penney spokesperson, but says members still won’t shop there
One million impeccably dressed gay men shook their heads and muttered, ”If only you weren’t shopping there for the right reasons.”

4. 75-year-old woman reportedly sues Let’s Make a Deal for $25,000 after taping injury
The producers plan to counter by offering her whatever’s behind Door No. 3.

5. Bill Maher defends Rush Limbaugh
Did I read that right, or do I need to adjust my pain medication?

6. 86-year-old Dick Van Dyke marries 40-year-old makeup artist
And she’s good, too. In their wedding picture, it looks like only a 25-year age difference.

7. Mario Batali settles tip-skimming lawsuit filed on behalf of waitstaff at his restaurants for $5.25 million
It was actually $4.25 million, but for legal parties of 500 or more, a $1 million gratuity is automatically included.

8. Hulk Hogan sex tape being shopped
Let us hold hands and pray that the headline was supposed to say ”stopped.”

9. Darren Aronofsky directs Jennifer Lopez in Kohl’s commercial
There’s a bit of controversy, of course: While filming the ad, J. Lo allegedly did only 10 percent of the discount shopping.

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