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SoundBites: March 2, 2012

Notable laffers from ”Up All Night,” ”SNL,” and more

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”Don’t they make, like, a little carrier thing for babies like they do for Pomeranians? That way you could just stow her.”
—Ava (Maya Rudolph) to Reagan (Christina Applegate), on traveling with a baby, on Up All Night

”I don’t know how old Lou is now, but what a treat. It was impressive. If I were [in] that shape, I would be taking my shirt off all the time.”
—George Takei, after Lou Ferrigno took off his shirt, on The Celebrity Apprentice

”It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true, because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.”
—Guest anchor Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live‘s ”Weekend Update”

”We’re gonna cut his throat faster than Taylor Swift will write a song about an ex-boyfriend.”
—Colton, on backstabbing a tribemate, on Survivor: One World

”An ice-water face bath, à la Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. The height of glamour.”
—Rachel (Lea Michele), on her nighttime routine, on Glee