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'Real Housewives of Orange County' season 7 premiere highlights

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Real Housewives Orange County

It was all about the red wine in the Real Housewives of Orange County‘s season 7 opener. You see, the memory of Tamra lobbing a glass of wine in former Housewife Jeana’s face still hung heavy in the air, and no one — not even Tamra — would let the incident go quietly into that good night. As such, there were many, many shots of the Housewives setting out red wine glasses in advance of a much-hyped party that we won’t even see until week 2. So what did we see? In short: An unexpected alliance between enemies, the first glimpses of new girl Heather (she’s an actress, in case you didn’t know), Vicki’s psychotic fluffing of throw pillows, and Alexis hoisting her pelvis to the sky for the sake of “journalism,” to name a few highlights. Read all about it below…

As you can probably guess from the image above, it was Gretchen who decided to enter into a temporary détente with Tamra in order to expel some of the negative energy from her life. Since she hadn’t broken up with Slade, though, that seemed a losing battle. He was obviously unhappy about this development since you could fertilize the Garden of Eden with the amount of crap Tamra has talked about him.

They sat down, understandably uneasy, as Tamra once again demonstrated her ability to raise PG-13 gutter talk to Shakespearean levels: “Considering our past, I really don’t know how this is going to go. There is a reason dogs sniff each other’s asses before they become friends.” Perhaps the most shocking turn of the night occurred when Tamra actually apologized. Let me repeat: Tamra Barney apologized for something (anything!). She also presented Gretchen an ugly bracelet of friendship, all, “These cheap pink beads and an in-your-face-symbolic key made me think of you!” (Indeed it was a good week for gifting Gretchen, as Alexis also gave her a tack-tack-tacky black-and-white Grecian-turned-trailer park Maxi dress from Alexis Couture that looked just like what Gretchen happened to be wearing when she opened the gift, only cheaper.)

More than anything, it seemed this blonde alliance was producer-driven and only to ramp up the trash-talking, set the stage for yet another evil-eyed blow-up between the show’s two biggest personalities, and to make Vicki freak out (more on the Vickster in a minute). Consider the delight Tamra got when discussing her extracurriculars with Gretchen: “I kind of feeling like I’m cheating on Vicki hanging out with Gretchen, like I’m sneaking around, like she’s my mistress!” And now Gretchen: “We’re like secret lovers, it’s very soap opera-esque right now.” Now consider how happy they each were (mainly Gretchen) to insult each other in the limo ride to Vicki’s party. Yeah, this “friendship” will not last.

What of Vicki? I could spend several paragraphs discussing her maniacal pillow-smashing, duvet-straightening rampage. You see, Vicki was in the midst of her second divorce, so she needs that cash money so she could cut the cord from her in-house ex Donn, who had the brass to file for spousal support despite having a job. Sadly, the Miss Piggy-style pillow-hiya!-ing was the highlight of an otherwise sad for Vicki. As stated, Donna was still living in their marital home (Tamra hilariously deemed this “some serious Jerry Springer s***”), which would have been a harsh on her new relationship with a fellow insurance salesman (way to step outside your comfort zone, Vick!) — if said boyfriend didn’t live almost 2,000 miles away. He had, however, introduced Vicki to “the Southern food,” so I’m sure that will play out in a thrill multi-episode arc. (Vicki: “Ohhhh, these lamb fries are delicious! Wait… they’re not actually made of lamb?!” Thud.)

NEXT: Catching up with Alexis and Peggy, meeting the new girl, anticipating the season’s first big blow-up