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SoundBites: Jan. 20, 2012

Memorable one-liners from ”Desperate Housewives,” ”Happy Endings,” and more

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”The first thing I want to do now that I’m back in America is I want to go tanning. I’m as pale as a ghost. I’m almost as white as my teeth.”

—Pauly D, on his immediate post-Italy plans, on Jersey Shore

”Do you think I won’t hit you? I once slapped a waitress because she forgot my croutons!”

—Renee (Vanessa Williams), to Bree (Marcia Cross), on Desperate Housewives

”Seriously, I get stuck with the check again? What is the point of having white friends?”

—Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) on Happy Endings

”What are you in dog years? Like, 1,000?”

—Joy (Jane Leeves), to Elka (Betty White) in a dog costume, on Hot in Cleveland

”It reminds me of Easter at a Mexican family’s house. It’s a piñata. I hope her model is full of candy.”

—Mondo Guerra, critiquing another contestant’s design, on Project Runway All Stars