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'Kourtney and Kim Take New York' recap

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Kris Humphries began last night’s episode of Kopeland and Kukaracha Go Boating by ordering a Gray Goose Gimlet and announcing to his loving soon-to-be-ex-wife that he’d been offered a significant cash sum to “Make an appearance in Toronto.” Kim-Kim vetoed the idea. She had big plans for the weekend. Or maybe it was the middle of the week. Maybe, when the Kardashian women were little girls, their mother gave them specialized calendars, where Saturday followed Tuesday, and Christmas came twice a year. and there was an eighth day of the week called Krisday, and Wednesday was spelled “Wennsday.” Kim and Kourtney wanted to flee the hustle and bustle of New York City for the freakish quiet of Mystic, Conn.

So the girls left town, and then Kris bullied his bro-in-law Scott into going to Canada anyways. Whenever Kris hangs out with Scott, they always kind of look like Chewbacca and Han Solo, if Han Solo were totally useless and Chewbacca didn’t have so many great communication skills. They went up to Toronto. Scott got palefaced. He was oversharing. He told Kris, “You know how long I’ve waited for somebody in this family to be a real a–hole like you? Fantastic!” Then he urinated in the trashcan in the bathroom, which is the most scandalous thing that has ever happened to Canada.

Meanwhile, in Mystic, Kim and Kourtney were having a nice quiet dinner. Kourtney was wearing a seashell necklace as a headband, which is the kind of thing you would do if you lived in a society without rules. Mason was wearing a band-aid on his face. Mason always seems to have a band-aid on his face. The girls figured out that Kris and Scott were in Canada. Back in New York, Kim and Kris had this immortal exchange:

Kim: “Hello?!?! Like… is there something you want to tell me?”

Kris: “Like what? Like… Scott and I went to Canada rill quick?”

Strangely enough, the second half of the episode also focused on someone receiving money to make an appearance in a foreign land. Kim was getting paid to travel to Dubai for the opening of something called “Millions of Milkshakes.” “Dubai is so breathtaking!” She said. “Everything in Dubai is just so stunning. I’m so excited to be here.” I was really hoping that Kim didn’t read the fine print, and it turned out that her “appearance fee” would involve her hanging off the side of the Burj Khalifa, just like Cruise in Ghost Protocol. Unfortunately, the whole episode basically turned into a remake of Sex and the City 2, except worse somehow. Kris Jenner was there, and at one point Kim said, “My mom is honestly the perfect person to experience Dubai with.” UNTRUE.

The whole episode built up to the revelation that Kim didn’t think that marrying Kris Humphries was the best idea ever. So she’s basically where we all were one year ago. Yo, wait a second, can we talk about the fact that half of these peoples’ lives seems to be flying to interesting places and waving to audiences and giving insipid interviews about how much they enjoy [insert name of city here]. Like, there are some actors who famously despise doing press junkets, and all the Kardashians do is press junkets. They’re like candidates on a campaign trail that will only end with Celebrity Rehab.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich