Oh boy, this was yet another exciting episode of Kanakaredes and Ghostface Killah Prank New South Wales! “Exciting”is a synonym for “miserable,” right? Anyhow, the episode began with Li’l Kim and Big Hump having a charming little marital squabble. Kris wanted to throw a party in their lavish suite while Kim traveled to Los Angeles. Kim vetoed the idea. He insisted. She began crawling all over him, looking for all the world like a Jack ascending the beanstalk. She kicked his leg. He put his gigantic Frankenstein hands all over her Pinocchio face. “Stop it, stop it!” said Scott, “You’re both killing one another’s careers right now! Her face! Your legs!” This marriage can’t fail. (Spoiler alert: It failed.)
Here’s a quick roadmap of the evening’s various decadent flim-flammeries:
1. Kim discovered that her friend Jonathan was writing a tell-all book about her. She asked him to lunch. He ordered the meat and cheese plate. She ordered the tuna tartare. “So Johnny boy,” she cooed, “What have you been working on lately?” Jonathan proceeded to list various business schemes, including a cosmetics brand, a sake bar, an exclusive line of “Jonathan Kim’s Friend” bobble-heads, and a new semi-autobiographical cartoon produced by Stan Lee. Kim yelled at him for writing a book about her, and then left. She didn’t even stay for the tuna tartare!
2. Scott spent the episode attempting to get back in touch with his Jewish faith, which mostly involved him talking to a kind-looking Rabbi and saying stuff like, “Yeah, I’ma get my Jew on, hardcore!” This subplot had its big pay-off rather early, when Kourtney noted that Scott doesn’t know anything about “The First Testament, which are Jewish.” She’s trying to talk! It’s adorable.
3. Kris told Scott, “You’re just like Bruce and all the other whipped Kardashian men.” Kris decided that he was going to set a new mold for Kardashian Manhood by throwing a fart party in their lavish suite. I meant to write “frat party,” but just picture a seven-foot-tall caveman and a bunch of hot college chicks farting into red cups, and that’s basically the party he threw.
4. Kim and Jonathan began having a Twitter war. Never has Twitter seemed so stupid.
5. Kris insisted the entire episode that he was only planning to have a few friends over. One of those friends brought a keg. They listed their supplies: “Patron, got it. Limes. Lemons.” It’s oddly inspiring to know that a fabulously wealthy professional athlete — a man with feasible access to all manner of debauchery — still parties exactly the same way me and my friends partied in freshman year of college.
6. Kim got ahold of Jonathan’s book, and it turned out to be some sort of obnoxious combination of a self-help book and a business-strategy book called Make Me An It Girl, in which Jonathan promised to use all the wisdom accrued from years of hanging around famous people to teach young women how to ruin their life. In the introduction, he calls Kim Kardashian “strategic, kind, and incredibly smart, which all adds up to a marketable brand.” Kim practically cried with happiness. Her line of thinking seemed to be: “Oh, so he’s exploiting his connection to me, but he’s being nice about it.” Being famous looks awful.
7. Kris warned Scott that he couldn’t tell the girls anything about the party. Specifically, he said: “You tell Kourtney anything, and I’m gonna kill you.” Later, he told Scott, “This is the first of many small get-togethers we’ll be having while they travel.” It was kind of like watching The Godfather, if The Godfather was about a brigade of douche rockets who do keg stands and eat tuna tartare.
8. The girls knew something was up immediately: “Why do you guys have four huge bottles of vodka sitting up there?” Scott threw himself under the bus for Kris, claiming that he’d put on the party. In the process, Scott said: “I’ll do a solid here for Hump. Hum-Dum, he’s got a lot at stake.” Nicknames! Scott wins tonight’s award for By-Default Least Worst Kardashian.
9. Kim confronted Kris about the party. Kris responded like a five-year-old who’s just been discovered doing something bad by his mom. So basically, imagine a five-year-old who’s seven feet tall and has a voice like a werewolf who sings tenor, and his mom is four feet tall and has a voice like a cartoon bluebird doing a Marilyn Monroe imitation, and that’s what their interaction looked like. Relationships are hard.
10. Kim knew how to get back into Jonathan’s good graces: She’d write an introduction for his book! “Make sure it’s good first,” said Kris. “Of course!” said Kim. “I wouldn’t put my name on anything if it’s not.” Never has anything been more untrue.
Fellow viewers, did you enjoy the latest episode of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Krystal Kardashian?
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich