It’s been a really difficult year. You got your butt X-rayed, got kicked off the stage at a Prince concert, and…what was that other thing? Oh, yeah, a reported $10 million wedding on Aug. 20 to basketball player Kris Humphries, and the 72-day marriage that followed. Don’t worry. You won’t have to traipse around Los Angeles in sad white hoodies forever. Just follow my three steps to a happier 2012.
1. Divert all negative attention to one of your 14,873 siblings.
People kind of like your boogying brother, so he’s off-limits. The little one is pregnant and the big one is too sane. Then there’s the model and the kid who dates Avril Lavigne. Where does that leave us? Half sister Kylie. Expose her Kraziness Kwotient by encouraging her to throw a $11 million birthday blowout. Just get the spotlight off you.
2. Invest in another letter of the alphabet.
We get it. Your first and last names start with K. But does every word associated with you need to be misspelled? Frankly, you can’t afford to lose more fans these days, and rumor has it that AutoSpell is about to boycott your family. Can’t decide on a new letter to violate? How about H? Granted, it’s not the sexiest of letters, but before you came along, the letter K was really just a calling card for racist jerks walking around in bedsheets.
3. Find a more marketable man.
Hey, the economy isn’t getting much better, so you need to get a bigger return on your investments next year. You are the heart, soul, and butt of the Kardashian enterprise. You need someone who loves the camera, understands the merits of a spray tan, and can provide you with a platform to be seen multiple times a week: Ryan Seacrest. What’s that? He’s taken? Embrace your new letter. H is for home wrecker! We’ll fix that image problem in 2013.
Love, Jessica Shaw