Oh, there are so many ways to fill in the blank in the headline above because there were so many cliff-hangers on last night’s winter finale of Gossip Girl. From lives to loves, so much remains in the balance — and not just for dear old Chuck Bass (but let’s be clear, his situation is certainly most dire at this point and time). Let me elaborate: [Spoilers ahead, friends!]
It was the night of Ch-ivy’s debutante ball. (Is Ch-ivy okay with everyone? Because I really don’t want to use backslashes throughout this entire mini-cap. Also, I like it. It makes her sound like a poisonous Starbucks drink.) In traditional Gossip Girl fashion, all the story lines that have been swirling in the toilet bowl that is the Upper East Side were going to come to climax at said party — and I was flushed with excitement. I almost feel like I need a visual aid, one of those laser pointers, and a lot of booze to properly explain how complicated things have gotten here. But in the sad absence of all three of those, I’ll try to keep it simple.
Dan’s book was suddenly doing well again (thanks, fake Twitter war!), Serena suddenly liked Dan again (which is more than I can say about my feelings toward She of Endless Gams), and Nate not-so-suddenly found himself with more family issues than journalistic credibility.
And then there’s Blair, who had (rich people) problems of her own: her giant engagement ring wouldn’t fit over her pregnancy-induced hot-dog fingers. (Don’t worry, hon, according to The Office, I believe that’s something covered by most HMOs.)
So she hid in shame at Dan’s place in Brooklyn. While she sulked there, Dan contemplated telling Blair that he had feelings for her. This is when Serena suddenly made a little sense (the end is nigh), telling Dan: “This is not the best time to be throwing your hat in the ring.” Okay, she said it mostly in jealousy, I think, but to be fair, she also was taking Blair’s peace of mind into consideration. Blair was going through enough without Dan pouring his soul out. (What is it about novelists and always wanting to do that? Bottle it up like the rest of the world, you! And cut your hair. Yes, the latter also applies to all novelists.) Plus, Dan, No Longer Lonely Boy just doesn’t have the same ring.
Dan ended up saying nothing. Instead, he gave her a hug as she confessed that she wasn’t sure she knew how to be happy anymore, which totally sounded like a line right out of those black and white movies the pair loves so much. Am I right? “I think I know how to make you happy,” Dan said. Dair fans likely happy-danced upon hearing this statement. But it was premature jubilation.
Dan, indeed, knew how to make Blair happy: He arranged for her to meet up with Chuck in a candlelit room that seemed, according to Blair, like a scene from The Bachelor or a human sacrifice. News flash, Blair: Those aren’t mutually exclusive. He may smell like onions and need to restock on silk blindfolds, but that Dan Humphrey is a good guy. (Serena’s right again!?) And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t tear up a little during that scene he shared with Serena at the bar, when he explained why he brought Chuck and Blair together.
After declaring their mutual feelings, Chuck and Blair escaped Ch-ivy’s debby ball (where Dan had arranged oh-so secretly for them to meet) and left in bliss, with the intention of fleeing after breaking the news to Louis. But the paparazzi, who had been hounding Blair the entire episode, foiled their plans and caused them to crash in their getaway limo.
In the end, Ch-ivy revealed herself to Rufus (secrets, not body parts) and claimed she was leaving forever, Lily proved to be queen of obvious statements (“Eleanor was distraught.” Really, now?), Serena claimed she wanted to take Gossip Girl down for good, and Chuck was in critical condition. (Blair, according to Lily, was “awake and responsive.”)
We have a long, painful wait before us, Gossip fans. But tell me, what did you think of all of tonight’s juicy cliff-hangers and fantastically romantic moments? We know Chuck won’t die (c’mon now!), but will he wake up his old self? Will he remember Blair/their confessions? Is Blair’s baby okay? How will Serena and Co. take down Gossip Girl? Is this the end of Ch-ivy? And is Dan a man or a puffy-haired, selfless saint?
Sound off below!