Khloé has always been the process-of-elimination “sane sister” of the Kardashian franchise, so her appearance on last night’s episode of Koko and Kiki Bake With Sporks was extremely welcome. Like, if the Kardashians were Metallica, then Khloé would be Kirk Hammett, Kim would be James Hetfield, Kourtney would be a somehow even more annoying version of Lars Ulrich, Kris Humphries would be Lou Reed, and this season would be the worst album ever. Metaphors are confusing! Speaking of confusing, Khloé had a few pointed questions for her sisters: “Kim, why is your husband in Minnesota? Kourtney, where is the father of your child?”
Khloé’s appearance on the show served to underline what is clearly becoming the overarching narrative for this season of KourtKourt & KimKim. It’s clear to everyone that Kourtney Kardashian has become an insane person. When Khloé asks her pointed questions about her life, Kourtney’s only response is to start laughing. Additionally, her main subplot on last night’s episode focused on the fact that she is supposedly very Type A. See, Kourtney has this thing: Whenever she visit’s Scott’s parents’ house in the Hamptons, she always tries to help them clean up. She told Khloé that the Disicks were essentially hoarders living in a proletariat trash pile.
In fact, the Disicks live in a massive house that roughly resembles Elvis’ Graceland mansion, except bigger. But Kourtney saw a mess. So she tossed out a few things: a table, a couple pieces of furniture, a trashcan with a horrible dent, an old ornate chess set. “They love when I clean,” she said mechanically, “they love it.” (She sounded kind of like a Roomba that you’d find centuries from now in post-apocalyptic New York city, still vacuuming its owners’ floor even though humanity is extinct.) I like to imagine that, whenever Kourtney Kardashian visits anyone, she always just starts picking up random pieces of furniture or old family heirlooms, and takes them out to the backyard, and pours gasoline all over them, and then sets them all on fire. “They love it, they love it, they love it.”
So Kourtney is an insane person trapped in her own beautiful world — good for her. Khloé Kardashian occupies the other side of the spectrum. After she married Lamar, Khloé decided to “work” less, which is a great loss for the American economy, but you have to make sacrifices when you get married. Kim Kardashian is currently at the exact center of the Sanity Spectrum. It’s like she’s got a devil and an angel on her shoulder, and the angel is her sister Khloé, saying “You have to make you marriage work,” and the devil is her sister Kourtney, saying “They love it, they love it, they love it.” What I’m trying to say is that this season is all Kim Kardashian choosing whether she wants to be a real person or an insane automaton. If you wanted to give the show a more accurate title, it would be Kourtney and Kim Take New York: The Fall of Kim Kardashian: Ghost Protocol: Kardashian Kardashian.
Kim skipped out on the Hamptons fun to take a journey to Minnesota, in an effort to have a real relationship with Kris. Things did not go well. Kris enjoys living in Minnesota; Kim Kardashian called the Gopher State “a cave.” Kris wanted to focus on his work; Kim wanted Kris to focus on her work. Kris didn’t want to live in an insane apartment filled with insane people; Kim didn’t know what all the fuss was about.
To his credit, at a certain point it just began to seem like Kris really didn’t want to be on a reality show. To his detriment, whenever Kim tried to talk semi-realistically about their relationship, Kris’ basic response was to cover his ears with his hands, scream “No no no no!” and then run to the couch to play video games. Kim summed it up simply: “We’re not gonna have a successful marriage if we live in different states.”
At one point, Kim said that if Kris returned to New York, they’d live in a separate apartment. That is an entirely sane proposition, so naturally that didn’t happen. Instead, Kris returned to the Crazypants Ballroom to give the ol’ marriage one more try. Khloé tried to talk to Kim — Kimmy had been calling Khloé a cave troll via email and instant message — but Kim refuted her.
Fellow viewers, did you enjoy the new episode of Kansas and Kalifornia Colonize New Zealand? Were you surprised when Kourtney went on a door-to-door murderous rampage and buried all the bodies in the Disicks’ backyard, the whole while mumbling “They love it, they love it, they love it”? Is Kris an NBA player, or is he secretly a con man from Romania? Also, the line of the night: When Kris saw his wife for the first time in days, he told her lovingly: “Your armpits smell like a combination of fish and hot garbage.” Poetry!
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