Non-football fans have a prayer today, as co-workers are sure to ask about your holiday: the turkey, the in-laws, the traffic. But it’s Monday, and it’s only a matter of time before the banter shifts to football once your meathead cubemate exhausts his icky anecdote about his tipsy Aunt Maude getting handsy with his cousin’s college boyfriend. Since you spent the weekend with friends and family, watching The Muppets and The Walking Dead — and not necessarily wearing a throwback jersey — here are three quick-hit comments about yesterday’s NFL action that will serve as effective Jedi-mind tricks against the weak and provide you cover for a swift escape from pigskin purgatory.
1. “Steve Johnson is the only man in history to be pictured in the dictionary as the definition for both ‘irony’ and ‘karma’.”
The Buffalo Bills’ star wide receiver celebrated his second-quarter score with the most talked-about touchdown dance of the season. He whipped out dual six-shooters — old school! — but then he went off the reservation by pretending to shoot himself in the leg — a clear dig at Jets wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who infamously went to prison for really shooting himself in the leg back in 2008. Officials flagged Johnson for extreme celebration, helping the Jets to score on their next possession. Then, late in the fourth quarter, Johnson dropped an easy pass that could’ve been the possible winning touchdown.
2. “The Patriots victory over Philly was the biggest mercy killing since Chief smothered McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The only thing missing was Tom Brady throwing a sink through the window.”
After winning the off-season with multiple superstar signings, the Eagles were everyone’s sexy choice to reach the Super Bowl. But their season has been a nightmare, as they coughed up five fourth-quarter leads and witnessed their playoffs prospects slip away. Yesterday was probably their last hurrah, and New England rallied from an early 10-point deficit to win, 38-20. The loss essentially ends Philly’s playoff hopes, as they’re now 4-7, and that’s almost a relief for some Eagles fans, who can now officially start counting the days until the Phillies begin spring training.
3. “I haven’t seen backyard heroics like Tim Tebow’s since my Uncle Bob on Thursday morning.”
The legend of Tim Tebow continues to grow, as the Broncos edged San Diego in overtime, 16-13. Tebow’s brand of quarterbacking is decidedly jurassic — his throws are heaves, not darts — and he scrambles around the field like a Humvee without any brakes. It’s not unlike the brand of football you play in your annual family Turkey Bowl. So maybe there’s still hope for you and your Uncle Bob. In fact, you might want to call the QB-depleted Houston Texans to see if they have a job opening.