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'Millionaire Matchmaker' finale recap: Patti looks for love

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Patti Stenger
Nicole Wilder/Bravo

Fans of Millionaire Matchmaker know (and love!) that the show attracts some obnoxious characters. But last night, viewers were treated to a loud-mouthed, vulgar, over-the-top candidate, the likes of which had never been seen before: Patti Stanger herself.

That’s right: The tables were turned and for the fifth season finale, Stanger was the guest of honor… or infamy, depending on how you want to look at it. The montage-heavy episode — seriously, she is bru-tahl to those awkward dudes — kicked off with Patti, fresh off another visit to an astrologer, burst into Matchmaker headquarters and declared: “Momma wants a mixer!”

Patti couldn’t fix up herself, so she enlisted Rachel and Destin (who, let’s be real here, totally missed an opportunity to mess with her) as well as two of Stanger’s close friends. Twist! The foursome met with prospects, keeping the fact that the millionaire was Stanger herself on the down low.

The real fun began when the mixer started. When she burst through the doors (the photo at left) for her big reveal, the guys were all pretend-surprised and shocked. I say pretend because all the reactions were super-delayed, and I feel like there may have been a little “group think” going on where no one actually recognized her, but they all pretended to because they realized it was expected. Moving on…

A nervous Stanger announced, “Break the rules! Have three drinks!” a nod to her famous two-drink maximum standard operating procedure. Because the team really wanted Stanger to find a match, and also because they had a full hour of TV to fill with one millionaire, the team let Patti have three mini dates and two master dates. The catch? Destin and Co. got to pick the person for the second master date.

Date number one was a trip to a dude ranch with a professional car collector named Mike (the team’s choice, not Stanger’s). Stanger Goes Cowgirl — complete with rodeo hat — was not her best look. Mike seemed into Stanger, and I’m sure he meant well, but the dude’s intensity made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a kitten. Too much too soon, bro. Needless to say, that date ended with Mike asking if he could kiss her. (Note to guys: Never do this.) Instead, they shared an awkward high-five.

The date with John, Patti’s original pick, was a smoother experience. The duo went to her favorite spa, and then followed that with some zip lining and a romantic dinner. The best part of the package? John’s a DILF. Lovely. The dinner conversation was the most interesting part of the episode (if you’re not watching for schadenfreude glee, that is) because it showed a totally different side of Stanger. She may be all ball-busting business 99 percent of the time, but Date Patti (as she calls herself) was relaxed, inquisitive, and vulnerable — pretty much the exact opposite of the lady on Watch What Happens. Date Patti and John clicked, ending in a kiss and an on-screen update read that they had seen each other several more times since taping.

And on that uncharacteristically positive note, Millionaire Matchmaker wrapped up its season — at least until that two-part ALL STAR reunion next week.

PopWatchers: Did you watch? Still loving Patti’s shtick, or have you moved on?

Read more:

‘Millionaire Matchmaker’: Sparks fly at the series’ first-ever reunion — EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ Patti Stanger gives controversial, uh, ‘advice’ during ‘Watch What Happens’ visit 

Has ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ Patti Stanger reached her tipping point with her comments about gay men?