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'Transformers 3' passes 'Lord of the Rings'

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Transformers 3
Paramount Pictures

I’m a little bit inspired by the news that Transformers: Dark of the Moon has officially passed The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King on the list of highest-grossing films worldwide. After all, the Transformers threequel was created by a classic ragtag gang of outcasts and misfits. The film starred a self-loathing womanizer, a never-nude mannequin brought to life by science, and a bunch of robots whose character design was so fundamentally inexpressive that watching two Transformers talk to each other was about as much fun as watching two muddy snowmen in a marathon slam-poetry duel. The film’s supporting cast was populated by a group of excellent charactor actors who had to struggle through horrible dialogue and a complete lack of believable character motivation. The whole thing was helmed by Michael Bay, whose directorial style seems to indicate that he carries an existential hatred for the physical world we inhabit. To top it all off, Dark of the Moon was a threequel. Most franchises go downhill with their third film… which was proven yet again throughout the running time of Dark of the Moon, most specifically when Ken Jeong attacked Shia LaBeouf in the men’s bathroom in an extended sequence that would have been offensive to gay people and Asian people if it didn’t manage to just be offensive to humanity.

But just like the Bad News Bears or the Mighty Ducks, Transformers 3 managed to triumph over adversity. With a little help from 3-D ticket prices and the declining standards of human decency, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has now grossed more than The Dark Knight, Toy Story 3, and the epic concluding chapter of The Lord of the Rings, not to mention every other film ever made besides the final Harry Potter and the James Cameron romantic-disaster duet. Really, this is a triumph of the human spirit. Transformers: Dark of the Moon brought the whole world together, pummeled the entire world’s retinas with hyperkinetic editing and Josh Duhamel, and then left us behind to cry into each other’s arms, our eyes bleeding tears of joy.

Wait, you haven’t seen Transformers 3 yet? Well, in the words of John Lennon: “I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be one.”

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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