1. Courtney Love signs deal to write tell-all book to ”set the record straight”
About what? All of the previous versions she’s told us?
2. 92-year-old Andy Rooney signs off from 60 Minutes
They had a viewing party at his house, which was highlighted by 60 additional minutes of him yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.
3. Artist creates portrait of Snoop Dogg using marijuana and hash
Unfortunately, Snoop really liked it, so the exhibition lasted one night only.
4. Second project about ancient Jewish hero Judah Maccabee now in development, alongside Mel Gibson’s
Slight difference with this version, in that the Jews don’t start every war in the world.
5. Farmer in Ireland asks Rihanna to cover up after she strips down to a bikini top while shooting video on his property
You’re given the luck of the Irish, random farmer, and that’s how you want to use it?
6. New report finds fewer gay people on network TV
Bravo, guys! What? No, no — I’m not being sarcastic. I’m suggesting that’s where they went.
7. The Girls Next Door star Holly Madison takes out $1 million insurance policy on her breasts
It covers her in the event of an extreme motorboating accident.
8. ABC buys ESPN comedy series about four Boston sports fans who watch games together
ABC loved the first draft, but given recent events, has asked the show’s writers to punch up a choke or two.
9. Ryan Gosling reportedly gives Eva Mendes lifetime gift certificate to his Moroccan restaurant
”When you asked me if I was ready for a forever gift with carats,” a disappointed Mendes told him, ”I didn’t think you meant that they’d be spiced and served in a chickpea tagine.”