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Steve Martin gives Oscar hosting advice to Eddie Murphy

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Bowfinger Martin Murphy

The grand fellowship of Academy Award hosts is a small and storied one indeed — Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, Wolverine, Catwoman, etc. Whenever someone new enters its ranks, I’m certain there’s some kind of inauguration ceremony, probably involving doing a trust fall into a high kicking chorus line while exorcising demons of bad ceremonies past by screaming “OPRAH! UMA!” until your throat bleeds. Or maybe just a nice luncheon at Spago.

Anyhoots, my “point” is, advice is likely given, passed down from veteran hosts to newbies — and, usually, it’s in private. But thankfully, multiple Oscar host Steve Martin just put his advice to upcoming rookie host, and former Bowfinger co-star, Eddie Murphy on his website for all to see. They are wise words indeed, and you can read them in full below:

Hi Eddie,

I heard you’re hosting this year’s Oscars. First of all, CONGRATS. Even though you didn’t ask for my advice and specifically said, “please, no advice,” here are a few tips!

Whatever you do, don’t have a co-host. They’re a big pain and they just end up breaking your SNL hosting record.

Start slimming down now. You Looked kinda paunchy in Norbit.

People always say it’s a disgrace that neither you nor I have ever won an Oscar, but they’re just being correct.

The losers can feel very sad, so when you’re backstage with them, pat their backs, then shake your head sadly. It’s a blast!

Fortunately, only you and I can get away with smuggling out an Oscar in our pants.

Remember to relax and have a good time while 12,000 livebloggers rip you to shreds.

The accountants that certify the voting? Same chad counters from Florida.

If you feel the show is running long, you’re probably thinking of 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, or any of the shows in the ’90s.

If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.

Eddie, since you and I are old friends, and I sincerely thought you deserved an Oscar nomination for Bowfinger, the movie we did together that stands alone in comedy history, from which we got no credit or acknowledgement except large paychecks and drivers and any type of food we wanted delivered to us every day in our really nice trailers, I wish you all the best on your Oscar hosting gig.

Steve Martin

Are you happy with Martin’s advice? What would you suggest Eddie Murphy do, or not do, when he takes to the Kodak this February?

Follow Adam on Twitter @adambvary

Read more:

Oscar producers on new host Eddie Murphy: ‘You cannot twist anybody’s arm to do it.’

Why Eddie Murphy should be raw during the Oscars

Award Shows: The Best and Worst Hosts of the Past 20 Years