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SoundBites: Sept. 23, 2011

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”Kate Walsh… I don’t know anyone who watches your show. Because I date women who can still get their period…. When that show gets canceled, it’ll be the worst news your fan will hear, until her cat gets leukemia.”
—Charlie Sheen

”Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”
—Kate Walsh, star of Private Practice

”[On] Two and a Half Men, they’re actually having Charlie’s pretend funeral, believe it or not. There’s no need to switch over, though — just wait a few months, you can probably see the real thing.”
—Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy

”You’re just like Bruce Willis. You know, you were big in the ’80s and now your old slot’s being filled with Ashton Kutcher.”
—Amy Schumer, comedian

”I’m 80, you’re what, 47?… How come we look like we went to high school together?”
—William Shatner

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