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Hit List: Sept. 23, 2011

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1. Charlie Sheen celebrates low-key 46th birthday at Italian family restaurant
Before you go congratulating him on his ”healthy choices,” remember that pasta is 90 percent more carby than cocaine.

2. Reese Witherspoon hit by car while jogging, treated for minor injuries
The driver tried to use the ”legally blonde” defense, but was charged with cruel intentions.

3. Anthony Michael Hall arrested after allegedly ripping up plants in his apartment complex, challenging neighbor to fight
Madonna was so impressed, she’s hiring him to ”take care” of some hydrangeas at her place.

4. HBO picks up Aaron Sorkin series about cable news
Sorkin was briefed by a network exec who engaged him in zippy banter about the debt ceiling’s impact on social networking as they urgently traversed the halls.

5. 90210‘s Trevor Donovan says he’s attracted more girls since his character came out
”Hmmm, that’s weird,” muttered Chris Colfer. ”I haven’t noticed any uptick.”

6. Lifetime saves Fox’s America’s Most Wanted from cancellation
Not much is expected to change, but for the record, the danger that you asked your mother if you could sleep with? Turns out he’s No. 3 on the list.

7. In GE-sponsored poll, Americans chose Ellen DeGeneres as the celeb they most want to spend time with during power outage
For me, it was a toss-up between Regis and the Human Torch.

8. Ke$ha named Humane Society’s first ”Global Ambassador”
Even after what she did to that nice little James Van Der Beek?

9. Man sneaks into Celine Dion’s home, runs a bath, eats her pastries
Let’s get this sicko off the streets before he does something really demented, like break into Kenny G’s house and rearrange his reed collection.

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