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Hit List: Sept. 9, 2011

Mark Wahlberg plans to open up Wahlburgers burger shop, Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter break up, and more

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1. Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith release statement insisting that they haven’t split up
DJ Jazzy Jeff then dialed Will and said, ”Any chance I can talk you into sending out one more statement?”

2. After jihadist advocates the murder of David Letterman, Craig Ferguson receives mysterious powder initially feared to be anthrax
All of this not-killing-Leno stuff has got to be killing Leno.

3. Pitbull insists the lyric ”I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan” — which Lohan is suing him over — is actually a compliment
Responded Lohan, ”Yeah, and all those times I said I was ‘fully loaded,’ I was talking about Herbie.”

4. Mark and Donnie Wahlberg opening ”Wahlburgers”
We’re much more excited for ”Spielburgers,” where the food is tasty and beautifully lit, or even ”Soderburgers,” where the beef never tastes the same and the chef keeps threatening to retire.

5. China’s Ministry of Culture has ordered several of Lady Gaga’s songs to be deleted from music download sites, citing ”national cultural security”
Gaga plans to release the more PRC-friendly ”The Edge of Glorious Chinese Empire” and ”Benevolent Government Hooker.”

6. Soleil Moon Frye, a.k.a. Punky Brewster, says she went in Jacuzzi with Michael Jackson at age 8
Now we really don’t want to know how Bubbles got his name.

7. DMX plans to sue cops for harassment after they allegedly clocked him going 102 in a 65 zone and driving with a suspended license
If he winds up losing his license for good, the authorities will downgrade him to a less sexy but eco-friendly moniker: BMX.

8. Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter break up after three years of dating
This brings Jeter one step closer to his goal of 3,000 career splits.

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