Week 13 of EW’s 2011 Summer Movie Body Count continues with Cowboys & Aliens, in which Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford keep trying to avoid Olivia Wilde, but she’s always there; and also, there are aliens in the Old West.
I like magical things and accessorizing, so Cowboys & Aliens was the perfect movie for me to attend last night. My assignment was to tally how many people and aliens died on-screen for EW.com’s Summer Movie Body Count. Aside from some extreme close-ups of alien innards, the cinematic battlefield wasn’t nearly as gory as I’d expected. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that all Daniel Craig’s Jake Lonergan had to do in order to kill those totally-not-cute E.T.s was… [Warning: SPOILERS and EXCLUSIVE JEWELRY SCOOP ahead]
…Point his magical “I got abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy bracelet” wrist cuff in their general direction! I die.
1-4. Daniel Craig kills four men on horseback right off the bat, just to set the scene (and score some new boots).
5. Daniel Craig — Jake! I’ll call him by his real name — slits some guy‘s throat in a bar brawl.
That drunk fool Harrison Ford ties to a horse and sends off into the darkness is going to die, right? I sat on this one for awhile, because no one else died in the next few minutes and I was SO BORED. I concluded that this guy’s fate was inconclusive. Who knows what can happen in the wild West?
6. Alien kills the kindly preacher. Of course. He dies in Daniel Craig’s arms, which sucks, but what a way to go.
7. Jake kills first alien with his magical bracelet.
8. Jake presumably kills alien aircraft pilot after blowing it up.
9. Jake kills mood-killing alien who surprised him and Olivia Wilde at the worst possible second because they were just about to kiss on the decrepit riverbank. (Uh oh, was this the same pilot? Can aliens withstand falls/fire? I don’t know. I definitely don’t care!)
10. Olivia Wilde‘s fakeout death. She will rise again! But then she’ll die again. And then maybe she’s that spirited bug in Daniel Craig’s cabin at the end. But net deaths: +1.
11. Flashback death: Jake dreams about how the alien community’s head surgeon turned his lady friend into a pile of ashes before his very blue eyes.
12. Alien, I believe stabbed by cowboy. (Now that’s more like it!)
Three horsebacked humans fall to ground; two aliens are shot in their “backs” with arrows. Cannot confirm deaths.
13. Alien! The doctor shoots him in the head from behind after Harrison Ford runs out of bullets.
14. Nat (Adam Beach) receives fatal blow from above alien. I’d say ‘what a waste of a cowboy,’ but he’s a Native American. “Always dreamed of having a son like you,” says former racist Harrison Ford.
15. Alien slain by newly energetic band of Native Americans avenging Nat’s death.
16-25. Major adventure-action-jewelry sequence! Daniel Craig obliterates 13 silly aliens in a row as they enter the spacecraft. He has a magical bracelet; it’s that easy.
Looks like two aliens and at least one human could have been mortally wounded in the aftermath of the spacecraft explosion, but who can say? Jon Favreau.
26. Alien knifed in the innards by little boy who’d been gifted Harrison Ford’s special knife. You keep those three- (or maybe four- sometimes?) fingered hands to yourself. You’re dead!
27. Alien speared — not spared! — by Harrison Ford.
28. “Head surgeon” alien double-teamed by Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig; they eventually position him where he’d be doused with ALL THE GOLD from the spacecraft’s gold-suctioning contraption (?!?!?!!?!). This was by far my favorite death, mostly because it would all be over soon but partly because I like the idea of Death by Metal.
I really thought I’d come up with a higher Summer Movie Body Count for a movie called Cowboys & Aliens. Don’t you just look at that title and assume everyone dies? Maybe I just wanted everyone to die.