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Hit List: July 22, 2011

Charlie Sheen gets roasted, Joe Jonas is pelted with Nerf balls at concert, and more

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1. Hugh Laurie is face of L’Oréal Paris for Men cosmetics
”Bottom line, you’ve got a case of subdermal atresia — in other words, ugly face — and the only cure is this pore-cleansing scrub… [Turns to nurse] What? He’s hideous!”

2. Charlie Sheen roast to air Sept. 19
It’s a rerun, right?

3. Source claims Gotti spokesman Lewis Kasman shopping tell-all
If he sells it, the Gambino family vows to send over a congratulatory Cadillac, with plenty of trunk space.

4. Daniel Radcliffe reveals he became ”reliant” on alcohol, stopped drinking as precaution
Whoa, whoa, buddy, slow down — still getting used to the chest hair.

5. Weird Al says Paul McCartney wouldn’t allow him to parody ”Live and Let Die” as ”Chicken Pot Pie” because he’s a vegetarian
This does not bode well for his backup offering: ”I Want to Hold Your Ham.”

6. Joe Jonas booed, pelted in the face with Nerf balls while performing at Brooklyn event
Wow, Brooklyn, you just picked the wrong Jonas Brother to mess with. (Eh, I guess that’s actually a pretty good choice.)

7. Vinny returns to Jersey Shore post-fight, TMZ reports
After storming out of the house, he was handed a Post-it titled ”List of Life Options” and promptly stormed back in.

8. DWTS champ Hines Ward booked on suspicion of DUI
His agent insists he wasn’t drunk, but cops called his attempt to walk a straight line a ”tipsy tango.”

9. Oprah to teach ”It’s Life 101” class to 12th-grade students at her South African school
The students may be disappointed to realize that the only thing that’ll be hidden under their seats is used gum.

10. Celebrities recruited by LAPD to tweet warnings of 405 freeway closure due to construction on July 16-17
Thanks for advising us to steer clear of someone else’s project, guys! Any heads-ups on some of your own?