Well, it’s almost Emmy time again, or as I like to call it, Put On a Tux and Watch Tina Fey Talk Night. I love Tina and her costar Alec Baldwin, but between the two of them they have enough Emmys to outfit all the other Baldwin brothers plus every guy named Alec in the tristate area. I’m 0 for 4 at the Emmys and 0 for 2 at the Golden Globes — which means I’m batting .000 at awards shows, well below baseball’s Mendoza Line (so-named for shortstop Mario Mendoza’s lifetime batting average of .215, and a bellwether for futility). But I’m okay with that. I lost to great actors like Kiefer Sutherland and James Spader and Ian McShane, and I got to smoke cigarettes with Mickey Rourke and Anjelica Huston and accidentally step on Sandra Bullock’s dress and get a hug from Kate Hudson (which left residual glitter) and shoulder-bump Steve Carell — which transferred residual Kate Hudson Residual Glitter from me to him, which may be why he hasn’t come near me since. He probably asks people, ”Why does Willem Dafoe wear women’s makeup?”
I have actually won a couple of showbiz trophies. In 1996 I won a CableACE award for directing a movie on Showtime. Several weeks later, the CableACE Awards were canceled. Then I won a Blockbuster Entertainment award for The Thomas Crown Affair. Shortly thereafter the Blockbuster Awards were ”abolished” — which sounds way worse than canceled. Usually they only abolish really, really bad things — like slavery. Or Vanilla Ice. So I get why Emmy voters don’t want me to win: They don’t want the Emmys discontinued. Apparently I am the Human Mendoza Line of Hollywood. If I win an award, the award almost immediately ceases to exist. There are too many damn showbiz awards. Actors, writers, designers, rock stars, athletes, and even inbred, blow-dried dogs have their own shows. So I’m starting my own: the Dennys. It features no glitter, no glamour, no douchey actors who spend eight hours grooming their facial stubble so it looks like they didn’t spend four minutes shaving. It’s for real people doing real things.
Best Drama Navy SEAL Team Six. These guys make us fake Jakes on Rescue Me look like the Bangles at a baby shower. Capture and kill the world’s most wanted terrorist? Under dark of night in the middle of a Pakistani neighborhood? In a compound chock-full of who knows how many guards and guns? No problem. Be back in 40 minutes. Takes me 40 minutes just to get out of bed. Navy SEAL Team Six guys don’t have stubble on their chins. They have extra testicles.
Best Supporting Actor Navy SEAL Team Six dog. Yeah, they had a dog. A bomb-sniffing dog that wore ballistic body-armor. This dog has bigger cojones than I do — and he had his removed in 2008.
Best Comedy The gay-marriage debate. Because there isn’t one. We have couples who want to legally declare their devotion to each other, raise children in loving households, and are willing to fight for their country? How much more American do you want them to be? Do they need to gain 40 pounds of belly fat and wear black socks with sandals and buy tickets to see Jimmy Buffett? One day soon you will have a gay family living next door. And their kids will be better dressed, better behaved, and waaay better dancers than your kids.
Lifetime Achievement Award Yoga pants. I don’t do yoga. I don’t even understand what yoga is. But there isn’t an attractive woman on this planet whose ass doesn’t look good in yoga pants. They hug, tug, and fondle the cheeks in such a way that I almost want to follow every pair I ogle into whatever yoga studio they’re entering and sign up. I know most shows give lifetime achievement awards to people like Paul Newman. But I guarantee Paul Newman agrees with me about yoga pants. And he’s been dead for three years.
Best Actor Firefighters everywhere. They act like they are just normal human beings walking around with the rest of us. But, in fact, they have DNA that makes guys like me look like a missing Kardashian sister. We run out of burning buildings. They run in. And stay in until every single stranger they find is carried out safe and sound. Doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, gay or straight, sporting yoga pants or a Jimmy Buffett tour T-shirt — they will remove you from harm’s way. And I’m more than okay with that. I’m actually in awe.
The final season of Rescue Me premieres July 13 at 10 p.m. on FX