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Denis Leary launches (fictional) new awards show, The Dennys

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In the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, guest columnist Denis Leary — the co-creator and star of FX’s Rescue Me, which premieres its final season July 13 at 10 p.m. on FX — combats his series’ lack of Emmy love by creating his own awards show. Click through to read an excerpt of Denis Leary’s column, about a show he calls The Dennys.

Well, it’s almost Emmy time again, or as I like to call it, Put On a Tux and Watch Tina Fey Talk Night. I love Tina and her costar Alec Baldwin, but between the two of them they have enough Emmys to outfit all the other Baldwin brothers plus every guy named Alec in the tristate area. I’m 0 for 4 at the Emmys and 0 for 2 at the Golden Globes—which means I’m batting .000 at awards shows, well below baseball’s Mendoza Line (so-named for shortstop Mario Mendoza’s lifetime batting average of .215, and a bellwether for futility). But I’m okay with that. I lost to great actors like Kiefer Sutherland and James Spader and Ian McShane, and I got to smoke cigarettes with Mickey Rourke and Anjelica Huston and accidentally step on Sandra Bullock’s dress and get a hug from Kate Hudson (which left residual glitter) and shoulder-bump Steve Carell—which transferred residual Kate Hudson Residual Glitter from me to him, which may be why he hasn’t come near me since. He probably asks people, “Why does Willem Dafoe wear women’s makeup?”

There are too many damn showbiz awards. Actors, writers, designers, rock stars, athletes, and even inbred, blow-dried dogs have their own shows. So I’m starting my own: the Dennys. It features no glitter, no glamour, no douchey actors who spend eight hours grooming their facial stubble so it looks like they didn’t spend four minutes shaving. It’s for real people doing real things.

BEST DRAMA Navy SEAL Team Six. These guys make us fake Jakes on Rescue Me look like the Bangles at a baby shower. Capture and kill the world’s most wanted terrorist? Under dark of night in the middle of a Pakistani neighborhood? In a compound chock-full of who knows how many guards and guns? No problem. Be back in 40 minutes. Takes me 40 minutes just to get out of bed. Navy SEAL Team Six guys don’t have stubble on their chins. They have extra testicles.

To read Leary’s entire guest column about The Dennys, pick up the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, at newsstands on Friday, July 1, or buy it here.