Your new Miss USA is a redhead from California named Alyssa Campanella. She is allergic to the sun. When it came time to offer a personal anecdote, she said, “I’m obsessed with the Tudor and Stuart era,” which is surely the nerdiest thing that anyone has ever said on a show produced by Donald Trump. Or at least, it was the nerdiest thing, until she followed it up with: “I watch Game of Thrones.” Later, when Real Housewife Caroline Manzo asked if Campanella supported legalizing marijuana to inject a new source of capitalistic competition into our recessionary economy (although not in so many words), Campanella demurred by noting that, although abusing drugs is bad, medical marijuana is a social good (although not in so many words.) She apparently believes evolution should be taught in schools.
In short, your new Miss USA is a godless ginger-vampire reefer queen who spends her leisure time reading books about the British monarchy and watching a show about decapitation, incest, and dragon boobs. We salute her. True, Campanella is actually a blonde. But she openly admits that her red hair is fake. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth?
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