Naysayers, I know what you’re thinking right now: “That’s a trick question. The Muppet Babies are not cool.” But I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. Muppet Babies introduced a generation of kids to both Jim Henson’s beloved creations and a host of other pop culture milestones — who else saw the cartoon’s parody of Raiders of the Lost Ark long before they saw the movie itself? That alone earns the series some serious cool points. Furthermore, Muppet Babies taught us that when our rooms looked kind of weird, the best thing to do was close our eyes and make believe. This is still my general coping strategy. Finally, the babies were part of a cartoon dream team that successfully convinced children that smoking marijuana is akin to committing a triple homicide. They saved lives, people!
So even though the Muppets’ older selves are grabbing all the headlines these days, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and remember the menagerie at Nanny’s house. Read through the members of the crew, then let us know: Which Muppet Baby is the coolest one of all?
You identified with him if: People looked up to you because you were genuinely nice.
Line in the theme song: “I like adventure!”
Greatest musical moment: “Green Ranger”
Grows up to be: Kermit the Frog, head Muppet and all-around good dude.
You identified with her if: You were obnoxious.
Line in the theme song: “I like romance!” (Way to be a positive feminist role model, Piggy.)
Greatest musical moment: “Biggest Little Pig in Hollywood.” She was ripping off Madonna way before Gaga stopped wearing pants.
Grows up to be: Miss Piggy, Kermit’s narcissistic, camp-tastic soul mate.
You identified with him if: You never quite felt like you belonged, and you had a schnoz that could be seen from orbit.
Line in the theme song: “And I’ve got blue hair!”
Greatest musical moment: “Semi Weirdo,” a plaintive ballad about not being quite odd enough.
Grows up to be: Gonzo The Great, noted iconoclast and chicken fetishist. He also starred in a crappy Muppets movie that almost killed the film franchise… until Jason Segel came around.
You identified with him if: The other Muppet Babies’ high-pitched voices got on your nerves, or you desperately wanted a dog.
Line in the theme song: “I’ll play the piano!”
Grows up to be: Rowlf the Dog, musician extraordinaire.
You identified with him if: Your favorite part of a popsicle was the groaner written on the stick.
Line in the theme song: “I love great jokes!”
Greatest musical moment: “Wocka Wocka Wocka,” obviously.
Grows up to be: Fozzie Bear, amiable tomato target.
You identified with him if: You were either a total savage or a big fan of Joey Gladstone. Because apparently, Dave Coulier voiced Animal from 1986 to 1991.
Line in the theme song: “Animal dance!”
Greatest musical moment: “Booka Booka”
Grows up to be: The crude, neanderthalic drummer for Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem. This is why we should teach our children boundaries.
You identified with him if: You also liked Donatello best.
Line in the theme song: “I’ve got my computer!”
Greatest musical moment: “Look At Me Now.” No, not the Chris Brown song,.
Grows up to be: The Muppet Show‘s nebbish gofer.
You identified with her if: You were a girl, but not obnoxious.
Line in the theme song: “I flip through the air!”
Greatest musical moment: “He’s My Hero”
Grows up to be: Nobody. Skeeter was invented for the cartoon just so there’d be one non-Piggy female character. Lamesauce!
You identified with her if: You were endlessly calm and understanding, and also didn’t have a torso.
Line in the theme song: “Is everything all right in here?”
Greatest musical moment: Legs can’t sing.
Grows up to be: Something terrifying, most likely.
Which baby/disembodied pair of gams gets your vote?