The sixth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians began last night with Kim sharing a thoughtful dinner conversation with her new boyfriend/future husband-to-be Kris Humphries. Ignore, for a moment, the cosmic coincidence of a Kardashian girl A) falling in love with someone whose name already starts with a “K” and B) falling in love with a guy who is named “Kris,” just like their mother. No time for cynicism, this is love! Within seconds, Kim and Kris were burping into each other’s mouths. It was like watching a bullfrog mating session. Or, as Kris insisted, “Birds throw up and then feed it to their children. This is nothing.” There you go: It was like watching two birds vomit live bullfrogs backwards and forwards. Season six, gang!
But even though poor Kim has finally found a ray of sunshine in her life of misery, all is not well in Kasa Kardashian. Mama Kris has been working too hard; the family only gets together when they’re all working. Kourtney and Scott tried throwing a family Game Night, and dear Lord, I was badly hoping for a massive Kardashian Monopoly showdown, Sopranos-style. But Kris skipped the party because she was busy, and Kim skipped the party because she was in New York with her man, and there were probably a few other Kardashians running wild in the countryside somewhere.
In the midst of all this family drama, we witnessed one of the most important conversations in Kardashian history. Kim asked her sisters: “Are you naming your kids with ‘K’ names?” Khloe explained her plan to name all her daughters with “K” and all her sons with “L.” Kim fired back that she wanted to claim dibs on some of the best “K” names. Unfortunately, they didn’t wind up debating which names were good or bad, but here are some free ideas: Karen, Kinky, Kooky, Kayak, Kashmir (for a boy or a girl), and Kalifornia. You laugh, but someday we’ll all be watching Kayak and Kinky Konquer Kansas City.
Anyhow, Khloe and Kourtney told Kris (the mother) that they didn’t want her to work so hard, because family comes first. But meanwhile, Khloe also told Kim that she wouldn’t respect Kris (the basketball player), because Khloe’s tired of Kim’s revolving-door boyfriend policy. Kris (the mother again) told Khloe she should treat Kim better; after all, “You’re the one who’s been bitching to me for weeks about Family First.” Khloe responded, “Bah, I am hoist on my own petard,” not in so many words.
The whole night wound up with a family dinner. All the far-flung Kardashians and Kardashian relatives arrived: Kendall, Kylie, Beppo, Zeppo, Moon Unit, etc. Rob decided to pick a fight with Kim because she was texting, to which Kim responded, “You are a 24-year-old man who gets an allowance from his sister.” Oh, that’s why we stopped having family dinners.
Viewers, did you watch the Kardashians premiere?
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