On July 10 Larry David returns for an eighth season of misadventures on his HBO comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm. To mark the occasion, we asked for his three must-have items for the summer.
My number-one must-have item for this summer is a motorized wheelchair, equipped with Titan sand tires, to transport me from the beach parking lot to my spot in the sand. The chair will not only prevent me from burning my feet and getting sand in between my toes (the worst feeling in the world — being compromised by a prison gang is a distant second) but will also relieve me from having to carry the hundreds of items and accoutrements that accompany any beach excursion. And let’s face it, I’ll be pretty damn comfortable.
Next is a mask I’ve just invented that will cover my face — save for the mouth, nostrils, and eyes — which will eliminate my need to slather on sunblock like shaving cream three times a day. It burns my eyes, gets on my clothes, and my Marceau-like appearance subjects me to crude ridicule from every demographic, including dogs.
Last is a high-perimeter rubber float, which will enable me to luxuriate in any body of water, fully clothed, and not get wet. I don’t mind being in the water — I just don’t want it touching me. This way I can put on my new mask and float the day away. As the gals from Long Island say, ”Love it!”