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'Cougar Town': Fear the chalk children

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Cougartown
Colleen Hayes/ABC

Much like the beginning of last week’s episode of We Should Have Live Cougars On Cougar Town, Travis was still hanging out in the dark mourning the loss of Kirsten. He hadn’t even been going to college. It was a Travisty. (See what I did there?) But breakups are hard. It took Jules a year to bounce back after she and Bobby split up, and it was the worst weekend of Bobby’s life.

Travis finally admitted that college might not be right for him after he was caught lying about being on spring break. So Jules gave him an ultimatum: Go back to college or move out and get a job. Travis knew his mom’s new tough love attitude wasn’t really her, despite her claim that she “tosses asses.” But who was she kidding? She couldn’t even let her son eat stale chips. Sure enough, Jules’ tough-love act didn’t last for long. Instead, she and Travis had a kite-flying, sandcastle-building day at the beach.

Jules finally had some sense knocked into her after being one-night standed by Travis (EWWW), and kissing Grayson while he pretended to be Trav (even bigger EWWW). Jules reissued her ultimatum, and this time she meant it. And it almost worked, but nobody told Bobby he couldn’t give Travis a boat. Ooops.

In much happier news, Bobby and Laurie were making a killing with their Penny Can business. And with Andy as their financial advisor, they could do no wrong. Roger (Smith’s dad, played by Barry Bostwick) thought the game was a waste of time: “You might as well just throw your money in a hole!” Laurie pointed out that that’s exactly how you play the game. After Roger tried it out, he decided his company needed to buy Penny Can.

The group took a business meeting with Roger where they met the new spokesperson for Penny Can. Wait for it… Lou Diamond Phillips! Laurie was one zillion percent for the business deal, and Phillips for that matter: “I don’t know exactly what your race is, but I’m into it in a big way.” Bobby, on the other hand, wasn’t too pleased with all the bells and whistles of the new, big business version of Penny Can. But the deal was too good to pass up. Enter the Official Lou Diamond Phillips Competition Penny Can Can! It climbs walls, says “way,” and was invented by Bobby Cobb, the new owner of an apartment.

Meanwhile, Ellie and Grayson were severely traumatized by the neighborhood chalk children. Basically, three blond children (who didn’t blink and channeled the Poletergeist girl) drew chalk drawings around the cul-de-sac. But as Tom warned them, the chalk children aren’t like other kids: “You mock, but know this: chalk children don’t forgive, and they never forget.” So what did Grayson and Ellie do? Oh, they just scared the children by channeling Full Metal Jacket and Helena Bonham Carter (“One step ahead of you deary.”). This is the kind of ridiculousness that makes me love this show.

 Other “Free Fallin” Highlights: 

++ Jules punched a cop during spring break: “Well, don’t try to stop me if I’m vogueing on top of a cab!”

++ A few new Penny Can rules: If you sink three in a row, you do “Robot Penny Can.” A Rim Shot gets you a flick in the ear. And a spinner results in a face sandwich.

++ Jules hearing closing arguments for the last cup of coffee and choosing Ellie over Grayson: “Sorry, dude. You can’t eat love.” Amen, Jules.

++ “When he murders you, that’s going to be my exact quote to the news crew.” –Ellie talking about the creepy, but harmless Tom

++ “It’s like when you hook up with a dude and you wake up the next morning and he’s gone and there’s just a note on you pillow that says, ‘Last night was fun. Call me next time you’re in Tampa.’ And you’re like what? I’m in Tampa?!” –Laurie

++ The Estivez Festivez, which I hope included this movie.

++ “Look at Young Guns 2. It’s like, hey let’s take everything awesome about the first movie and puke Bon Jovi all over it. Travesty.” –Lou Diamond Phillips, who was in both Young Guns 1 and 2. (And so was Emilio Estevez! LAUGH!)

++ I tip my imaginary hat to the imaginary knife in Bobby’s back that cut Andy’s hand. Also to the imaginary blood brothers.

++ “I like that we added a baby, but I don’t think you should shoot it.” –Bobby about the “Parents” cheer

++ Subway’s clearly got a special ad deal with the show. This is the second week in a row that the franchise has had a special shoutout!

What did you think of “Free Fallin”? Do you, like me, wish you owned Laurie-designed Penny Can sportswear? And I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m writing this recap wearing my “comfortable sportswear for active older people,” even though I’m only in my 20s. So grab your celebration wine or your there’s-nothing-good-on-TV wine and discuss Cougar Town!

Read more: All ‘Cougar Town’ posts on PopWatch

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