There are so many reasons to thank you, Ty-Ty. You’ve provided us with reality ridiculata for 16 straight cycles. You call them cycles. And you created an “all-star” cycle inviting back previous “models” who will once again fight to “win” the title of America’s Next Top “Model.” I simply cannot wait to watch these “human beings”! But I have another reason to thank you: According to the all-stars line-up circulating the Web, you actually recruited some of my suggested alums! (Though The CW is not making any announcements yet.) That’s right: Cycle 4’s Brittany Brower, Cycle 5’s Lisa D’Amato, Cycle 11’s Sheena Sakai, Cycle 13’s Laura Kirkpatrick, and Cycle 15’s Kayla Ferrel are all returning to The CW to stroke Tyra’s ego and their inevitable terrible weaves. For that, I will forgive you for failing to recruit scene-stealer Jade, even if you tried. (The Cycle 6 contestant tweeted that she had declined participating in the season “immensely because my contract was completely Bogus and one sided!” Ah, words. They mean nothing to Jade!) But, without further ado, here’s who you can reportedly expect to show up on your screens while your emotions wrestle with simultaneous feelings of superiority and self-loathing. Also, what they’ve been up to:
Shannon Stewart, Cycle 1: The model who, along with Robin, refused to go nude got into the pageant scene, competing in Miss Ohio USA. Thus seals her fate as a future Celebrity Apprentice competitor and/or Donald Trump wife.
Camille McDonald, Cycle 2: McDonald apparently created a lingerie line called Lingerwear, which — like the Oneders — I’m guessing she doesn’t realize will be pronounced as it looks on paper: Linger-wear.
Brittany Brower, Cycle 4: The season’s goofball continued flexing her small-screen talents, appearing in Battle of the Network Reality Stars. So I guess an all-star Top Model, otherwise known as Battle of The CW Reality Stars, is a step down?
Bre Scullark, Cycle 5: Scullark has been modeling for Ford Models, appearing in Vibe and commercials for Old Navy. Also, I imagine, keeping her eyes on her granola bars.
Lisa D’Amato, Cycle 5: Turns out, the season’s “alcoholic bitch” really did turn out to be an alcoholic bitch! D’Amato appeared on season 3 of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew since exiting the show. So, no, you should not expect her to make friends with Cousin It again this season.
Bianca Golden, Cycle 9: The model has been using her attitude for good (modeling for Korto in Project Runway‘s season 5 finale) and very, very bad (getting into a physical altercation with Hairspray‘s Nikki Blonsky, which led to an arrest). She can’t stop the beat(ings)! Stop, Kate.
Dominique Reighard, Cycle 10: The contestant most often compared to a man(/soccer mom) participated in the Top Model spin-off Modelville, and has posed for Carol’s Daughter.
Isis King, Cycle 11: The contestant who was actually born a man (King identified as transgender) is officially a woman: Ty-Ty herself paid for King’s sex reassignment surgery, completed in 2009.
Sheena Sakai, Cycle 11: Sakai has appeared in an ad for Trojan condoms. Hey, work is work.
Allison Harvard, Cycle 12: The blood-loving contestant continues to model and stare at things.
Laura Kirkpatrick, Cycle 13: Shorties represent! Since losing to Nicole Fox, Kirkpatrick has modeled for Steve Madden.
Angelea Preston, Cycle 14: According to her ANTM wiki page, Preston has “taken a few test shots.” Karma?
Kayla Ferrel, Cycle 15: It’s been under a years since Ferrel was eliminated just short of the finals, so, beyond cursing Ann Ward’s impossibly tiny waist, her post-Top Model activities are unknown.
Alexandria Everett, Cycle 16: It’s not clear what she’s doing, but one thing’s clear: Everyone will hate her. Or Bre. Or Angelea. Or Lisa. Or Camille. Lord, this Top Model cast has more villains than an issue of Justice League.
Digging the cast, PopWatchers? Sad about Jade?
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