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'Cougar Town': Love is a battlefield

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Desperate
Matt Kennedy/ABC

In last night’s episode of “We Pretend… Cougar Town…Is Called Wine Time,” I was surprised by the lack of grape being pounded by our favorite cul-de-sac crew. I think a little time with Big Carl (RIP Joe) and even Little Richard would have done the group some good and maybe even helped with their familial problems. 

Travis was still crushed by his breakup with Kirsten. He learned the hard way that  love is a battlefield. And if Bobby and Pat Benatar said it, it must be true. (I hope you stopped to sing that song slumber party style. Just me? Forget I mentioned it.) Anyway, Jules and Bobby were occupied trying to get their son through his heartbreak. Despite Jules’ resistance, they ended up at the local strip club. But it didn’t matter. Travis didn’t want to eat, shower, or put on sunscreen. (“I mean, ultimately I’d put on sunscreen. I have to. I’m a pale weirdo.”) There he didn’t get over Kirsten, but he bonded with the stripper, Destiny. Her fiancé was murdered by a drug lord, so she got it.

Jules’ dad came back to town to cheer Travis up, but Chick didn’t really do any cheering up. But it’s May, and that’s as good a time as any to fill a show with guest stars (see Nia Vardalos). Plus, I rather enjoyed the Scrubs crossover. His real purpose was to give an awkward speech about Jules’ boobs and show the Cobbs that this was the first time Travis had a problem they couldn’t fix. Instead of fighting, they should just take care of each other. Aww. Thanks, Dr. Kelso!

Meanwhile, Ellie was having her own family crisis. Andy’s brother, Nestor, was passing through and wanted to stay with the Torres clan. Ellie, not surprisingly, wasn’t very pleased. One, if you let one family member stay, you’ve got to let them all come over. Two, Andy and Nestor don’t even speak. Andy never learned Spanish, so Nestor won’t speak to him in English. And finally, Nestor’s wife, Angela, has the hots for Andy. Angela, the talented Nia Vardalos who just so happens to be married to Ian Gomez in real life, could not keep her hands off Andy. She was pushing his buttons, kissing him, showing off her limber yoga poses, eating his sandwich, and even teaching him to say inappropriate things in Spanish.

This, of course, drove Ellie crazy. But for her husband’s sake, she couldn’t just crush Angela. Instead she decided to let all her mean out, human stress ball style. And with Jules busy dealing with Travis, Laurie inadvertently came to Ellie’s rescue. “There are three things I would never miss. You getting tortured, boy band reunion concerts, and videos of horses giving birth. Ellie, they come out looking like ponies!” (Ed. note: You’re going to have to Google that last one yourself.)

But when it really mattered, Ellie and Laurie were both there for each other?? Yeah, even I couldn’t get through that without a question mark. But it’s true. Laurie even wore sandals so Ellie could mock her sausage toes. Now that’s true friendship.

Grayson was trying to conquer skating so he could play roller hockey. Unfortunately, he skates like a newborn calf on wheels, so it was a bad plan from the beginning. But in an effort to stand up to Jules he decided he was going to rollerblade home from TGIGrayson’s. In the process, he met the most adorable little boy EVER. And in a weird way, the silent child helped G-Love overcome his fears and skate down the hill. He even made it all the way home (with the help of Bobby’s golf cart) in one piece. Congratulations, Grayson! You’re a big kid now!

Other “Damaged By Love” highlights:  

++ Learning that Jules, Ellie, and even Laurie are all fluent in Spanish. Ridiculous!

++ “Eat your chips, Jellybean. I don’t wanna! Then play with the bag!” –A classic Ellie/Laurie exchange followed by Laurie playing with the chip bag.

++ “We can be like mole people. They’re real, you know! They live in sewers.” –Jules, who does a great mole impersonation.

++ “I hate that you never have a pen around! That’s why I never left you a note when your aunt or doctor called about that happy or sad thing.” –Bobby

++ “No. Yes. Stay. Can’t. Ham. Cheese. I really have to go, but we’re definitely playing this game later.” –Ellie and Jules

++ Bobby couldn’t find a pen, so he left Laurie as a note. And in a spot-on Bobby Cobb impression, she recited: “Hey J-Bird, I took Trav out with your pops to go see some hooters. Don’t wait up.”

++ Laurie’s list of favorite foods that included something called wiener sniglets

++ “I made dinner. Enjoy!” –Ellie as she pours Subway sandwiches on the table

What did you think, fellow grape pounders? Did you know mole people were real? I called them rat people once and never lived it down. Rat people are not real. Who was your favorite guest star? And what was your favorite one-liner?

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