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Hit List: April 29, 2011

Lindsay Lohan, Johnny Knoxville, and more stars who made the cut

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1. Florence, Italy, mayor issues rules for next season of Jersey Shore: No filming in bars, no drinking in public, must depict city in positive light

Sighed the mayors of Seaside Heights and Miami: ”Seriously? That was an option?”

2. Demi Lovato says she won’t return to Sonny With a Chance

Millions of tweens tear up in sadness, while millions of adults say, ”Wait…is she Sonny or Chance?”

3. Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, Ashley Dupré to star in VH1 reality series Famous Food, in which they try to open restaurant

The catch: Each entrée is only allowed 15 minutes of flame.

4. 50 Cent reportedly victim of credit-card fraud five times since ’07

One theory the police have is that the thieves are trying to — and I’m paraphrasing — accumulate wealth or lose their lives in the process.

5. Black Eyed Peas to open music academy for teens in NYC

will.i.am and apl.de.ap to teach course, From Needless Punctuation to No Capitalization.

6. D.C. cops launch internal investigation after police escort helps Charlie Sheen travel from airport to his show

Said Sheen: ”I hope they get to the bottom of this. I know a bit about escorts, and this one barely put out.”

7. FAA suspends air-traffic controller who watched DVD of Samuel L. Jackson’s Cleaner on job

I’m outraged! Snakes on a Plane was clearly the more appropriate choice!

8. Johnny Knoxville expecting third child

That is one effective cup.

9. Lindsay Lohan to play John Gotti Jr.’s wife in film

Asked if she planned to research the infamous volatile family plagued with legal troubles, she winked and said, ”I think I got this.”

10. Health officials trace bacteria suspected of causing respiratory-illness outbreak at Playboy Mansion to grotto

Look, if you go in the Playboy Mansion grotto and only contract a disease above the waist, you’re just not trying hard enough.

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