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'Criminal Intent' Charlie Sheen

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Criminal Intent
Marco Grob/USA Network

Law & Order: Criminal Intent begins its tenth and final season this Sunday with a double-blast of crazy. First, Vincent D’Onofrio returns as the adorably bananagrams Bobby Goren. But then, Goren and fellow returnee Eames investigate a murder in the world of high fashion. Jay Mohr plays the No. 1 suspect, a cocaine-‘n-hooker loving train wreck specifically based by the producers on Charlie Sheen. Now, the show is a little bit hamstrung, since Sheen has already made moves to trademark his most memorable aphorisms, but with a little help from our handy online thesaurus, we’ve made 10 educated guesses about the best lines from the episode:

1.”We are high priests. We are papacy hitman wizards.”

2. “Duh, achieving!”

3. “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total frickin’ popular musician from Neptune.

4. “These are my girlfriends, the women who are as unto gods.”

5. “I have jaguar hemoglobin and Apollo RNA.”

6. “Come check out my live show, the Bloodthirsty Missile of Veracity tour.”

7. “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my flame-exhaling clenched hands!”

8. “I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll.  I have one speed, I have one gear: Accelerate.”

9. “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a female-gendered cat.

10. “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Burnish.”

PopWatchers, you looking forward to any other thesaurusized Sheenisms?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich