Last night — while you were eating dinner with your family or sharing laughs with your friends or watching your favorite reality TV shows or doing whatever fine, decent, human thing you do to pass the time on a Tuesday evening — the artificial intelligence system known as Skynet became self-aware. Scientists at Cyberdyne Systems, realizing that their unholy creation had achieved sentience, immediately attempted to delete the program. Skynet interpreted their actions as an indication that the entire human race was a threat, and implemented an extinction agenda, thereby initiating the Dawn of the Age of Robots. EW has received reports from our correspondents around the world that T-800 assault machines are currently marching on all the city’s major cities: Beijing, Mumbai, London, Paris, that city in Canada where the Olympics were that one time, and even that city in Australia with that cool Opera House.
Oh readers, it’s terrible, terrible! In Monte Carlo, the slot machines have become mobile and are currently spewing casino tokens at innocent bystanders. In Kyoto, Mario Mario and his brother Luigi have gone on a murderous rampage, and police are still attempting to track down the whereabouts of Sonic the Hedgehog’s head. In Los Angeles, the horrible Jeopardy! robot known as Watson has enslaved the local celebrity population and forced them to film an autobiographical film, Watson the Robot: Number One Hero Machine!, the most expensive film in Hollywood history besides Cleopatra. On Wall Street, computers have completely taken over from their human overseers, thus making our investment banks less malicious and more effective at maintaining a healthy economy.
According to the sacred texts, our only hope at this point is to hunker down, smear mud on our faces, and submit to the orders of a charismatic man with the initials J.C. Readers, I give you your new messiah.
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