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PhillieBot fails to pitch

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Robot Phillies
Matt Slocum/AP Images

Reports of humanity’s imminent demise may have been greatly exaggerated. While the Internet has been swarming with humans playfully speculating that Skynet, the malevolent computer that steamrolled humanity in the Terminator mythology, was about to go online, an actual robot was poised to take over the American pastime. In Philadelphia this afternoon, the University of Pennsylvania’s PhillieBot was slated to toss out the ceremonial first pitch before the Phillies game against the Brewers. I was expecting a 120 miles per hour fastball that would rip a hole through the catcher’s mitt, hand, and face, but instead, the clattering collection of caliginous junk bounced a 40 miles per hour meatball into the dirt. WALL*E would’ve more intimidating! The fans actually booed.

I think we’re safe for today, mankind.

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