Jersey Shore is a TV show about drunk man-children and pugnacious girl-women who make poor life choices loudly. Florence is the historic city which was once home to some of the greatest artistic minds in the human race: Leonardo da Vinci, Michelango, Raphael, Donatello, and lesser artists whose names are lost to history largely because they never became Ninja Turtles. The notion of MTV filming a season of Shore in the city is a perfect combination of the sacred and the profane, roughly comparable to putting a Whoopee Cushion on a throne that belongs to the Pope. But recent reports indicate that the upcoming season of the smush-tastic series will indeed film in Florence. Unfortunately, the locals don’t seem too welcoming to Snooki & Co.: According to the New York Post, Florence Mayor Matteo Renzi told Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera that he would only allow the show to film in Florence if they followed certain restrictions. These include: No visits to historic buildings like the Palazzo Vecchio; no shooting in bars, or any place that promotes the consumption of alcohol; the cast must interact with “authentic Italian people in authentic cultural settings”; and, in a key line, the cast is prohibited from drinking in public on camera. So what’s left for the cast to do? Here’s a few ideas…
–Pauly, Vinny, and The Situation can take Italian lessons from a shapely language teacher who is a devout Catholic, thus creating an exciting romantic quadrangle between three dudes with absolutely no experience flirting with women while sober.
–Instead of working at a T-shirt shop, the gang can open up their own pizza restaurant, thus turning the season into a thrilling examination of the perils of entrepreneurship in the modern Italian economy.
–Field trip to a vineyard, where the gang stomps grapes until one of them pulls an Atlanta Grape Lady.
–The gang can hang out with Silvio Berlusconi, who is the country’s Prime Minister and is also reportedly an authentic Italian person. Since his “Bunga-Bunga” parties are very restrained and non-smushy, they’ll be in the clear.
–J-Woww can open up a Barely-Clad Private Detection agency and try to solve the mystery of the Monster of Florence once and for all.
–The gang spends an entire freaking season watching Ronnie and Sam fight about how much they hate to love to hate each other. Oh wait, that already happened!
–Everyone breaks the drinking law and gets sent to Italian jail, thus preparing the way for a Prison Break-themed season 5.
Viewers, would you watch a season of Jersey Shore without public drunkenness? Aren’t you sad that we won’t get to see Snooki’s reaction to Michelangeo’s David? (You know what they about a dude with big hands, right? Clearly, he carries a big slingshot.)
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