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Emmys 2017
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'Jersey Shore' reunion: Every important thing you need to know about the most pointless night of the year

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Jersey Shore‘s third season concluded last night with an utterly useless reunion show. The Situation wore an emo-hoodie that made him look like an evil supervillain lurking in his evil smush-cave. Snooki said that she didn’t love Vinny anymore. Awwwww. But only because he’s transformed from a lovable everyguy into a girl-crazy douche-rocket. You tell ’em, Shnookums! Deena actually said “Poop comes out of your butt.” (Science!) Good news: Sammi and Ronnie are still split up! Bad news: They still love each other! Ronnie explained that he felt betrayed when Sammi tried to hook up with other guys when they were broken up. The Julissa 3000 Interview-Bot (patent pending) pointed out that Ronnie actually had hooked up with other girls when they weren’t broken up. Isn’t that even worse? Ronnie looked confused. Paradox Hurt Ronnie’s Ape-Brain! (Ronnie only pawn in game of life.) Also, The Situation’s new name is “The Instigation,” which is coincidentally the subtitle for the next TRON and Bourne sequels. In conclusion, the girls burp like guys, the guys tan like girls, humanity has evolved beyond gender, and we are all robots. Thus, life is chaos. Thus, season 3 is over. We’ll see you in Italy, gang!

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‘Jersey Shore’: Italy is surprisingly not excited about impending arrival of young, drunk Americans

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‘Jersey Shore’: Scoop on season 4 and the trip to Italy

‘Jersey Shore’ going to Italy for season 4: Where should they invade next?

‘Jersey Shore’: 20 Most Outrageous Moments