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Hit List: March 11, 2011

Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, and more stars who made the cut

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1. Justin Bieber raises $40,000+ for charity by auctioning off hair
”Donate all your body parts if you want,” Beelzebub whispered to Bieber, ”but the soul is mine.”

2. Jimmy Fallon gets own Ben & Jerry’s flavor with chocolate potato chips
Should outsell last year’s Daily Show flavor, Beef Stewart.

3. Charlie Sheen temporarily loses custody of twins
Not the first time this has happened. (See: the Playboy Mansion Double Trouble Bashes of 1999 and 2007.)

4. Olivia Wilde spotted with Ryan Gosling at Kentucky aquarium
”Please respect our privacy,” they told a reporter. ”But if not, could you at least change ‘Kentucky aquarium’ to ‘Hollywood hot spot’?”

5. Rubber, movie about tire that comes to life and goes on killing spree, to hit theaters April 1
Beware the vulcanized death grip.

6. Mike Huckabee says pregnant Natalie Portman is poor role model
Calling out Luke Skywalker’s mother? You just messed with the wrong set of nerds, Huckabee.

7. Lawsuit alleges that the Weinsteins paid Kevin Bacon $25,000 to bow out of alien movie
The contract read: ”By accepting this, you agree to become one more degree of Kevin Bacon from the cast.”

8. Kim Kardashian earns bad reviews for her first single, ”Jam (Turn It Up)”
Roll your eyes all you want, but girl’s just trying to branch out. She can’t rely solely on her main talent, which is…[rustling through papers]…huh. I know it’s here somewhere…

9. Lady Gaga’s lawyers threaten legal action against café selling ”Baby Gaga” breast-milk ice cream
The café’s defense? The ice cream contains 50 percent breast milk, and at least 10 percent of that thing Gaga arrived at the Grammys in.

10. Cyndi Lauper entertains stranded passengers at airport by singing over loudspeaker
You’d be surprised how catchy ”Girls Just Want to Have an Alternate Flight That Still Gets Them Back to O’Hare by 4:30 p.m.” can be.