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'V': The Fifth Column is single-handedly destroying the world

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Image Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/ABCIt’s official: The Fifth Column is the single worst rebellion in the history of human rebellions. On last night’s episode of V, they had a big idea: Sabotage Concordia, and thus prove to the rest of humanity that Visitor technology isn’t the greatest thing ever. Sid the Lab Tech came up with the brilliant idea of overloading Concordia’s big Blue Energy balls with some tiny Blue Energy balls. His explanation: “You ever stick a fork in an electrical socket when you were a kid? Same idea. Meltdown!” Nobody seemed to think that sticking an incredibly unstable fork in a magnificently powerful electrical socket might have a downside. Turns out, the Fifth Column plan would’ve destroyed, like, the entire eastern seaboard. So the Fifth Column ended up heroically rescuing humanity from the Fifth Column. When the resulting energy surge caused a blackout, the Visitors used their energy to turn the lights back on, thus proving yet again that Visitor technology is, in fact, the greatest thing ever.

Because they clearly hadn’t done enough to end the human race forever, the Fifth Column also took some time out of their busy schedule to muzzle the only anti-Visitor voice in the media. Anna didn’t like how Chad’s mouthy co-anchor was turning people against the spooky aliens in the sky. So Chad pulled the ol’ pre-Newscast Backstab, telling Kerry that he had a hot tip from a mysterious source inside the Justice Department that the Visitors actually caused the blackout. Kerry repeated this hot tip on air two seconds later, without any attempt at confirmation. Naturally, she was fired. (This is exactly how Eliot Spitzer got rid of Kathleen Parker, according to my source at the Justice Department.)

So, in just about 24 hours, the anti-V rebellion almost killed millions of people, handed the enemy a huge PR victory, and got rid of the only person on any cable news networks who occasionally expressed vaguely snarky disapproval of the Visitors. For comparison, imagine if the Rebel Alliance spent the first Star Wars movie* blowing up Alderaan, killing Luke Skywalker, and accidentally creating four extra Death Stars for the Empire, and you have some vague sense about just how inefficient the Fifth Column have been this season. “Every attempt we have made to take down Anna has failed,” deadpanned Erica. Dear Fifth Column: Maybe you guys should just be a book club or something.

Considering it was the penultimate episode of this season of V, I was surprised by how low-key the episode felt. Anna had a new-new-new-new-new plan for dominating humanity: Using her Bliss to brainwash everybody all across the world. This worked, for some reason, but it makes her cry blood, for some reason. I guess she lost interest in the Quest to Remove the Human Soul. (At one point last night, Diana said, “The human soul can never be removed. It is a fool’s errand!” Do you ever get the feeling that V‘s writers really hate each other, and are expressing that hatred in character dialogue?)

Also, Doctor Joshua magically remembered his Fifth Columnite past just in time to save Lisa. Kudos to Mark Hildreth for somehow maintaining his actorly dignity even as the director no doubt screamed from offscreen, “More remembering, Mark! More remembering!!!” There have been quite a few missed chances in this season of V — I can’t believe Jane Badler is still in that freakin’ sewer — but it’s always been strange to me that they kept Doctor Joshua around just to turn him into another lame background Visitor. Let’s hope he has something to do in next week’s season finale.

Viewers, what did you think of the episode? Is the Fifth Column their own worst enemy? Are you holding out hope for next week’s season finale?

*Yes, Star Wars is still the first Star Wars movie. No, we do not refer it as A New Hope. A New Hope is not the name of an awesome movie. A New Hope is the title of a pseudo-scientific self-help book that you keep hidden in the bathroom because you are aware that it is a stupid book with a silly title. For more topical Star Wars-related news, follow me on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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