that left her in handcuffs, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been pretty quiet on this season of Jersey Shore. But don’t go thinking she’s done partying — far from it. As the self-described Oompa-Loompa explains to Rolling Stone, we are witnessing the dawn of a Snooki Imperium. “I’m trying to build an empire, because after this, I cannot get a normal job,” she explains. (Admittedly, it is hard to imagine Snooki pursuing a law degree, or becoming a sassy medical examiner, or working the assembly line in a declining American automobile factory. Although wouldn’t you want to see Snooki take on the fat-cat old boys’ club at City Hall? These are all free spin-off pitches, MTV.) Snooki has a plan, you see: “What I’d like to do is turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand.” Considering that Jessica Simpson is still in the news 12 years after her first hit single, we can conclude that Snooki will almost certainly be a co-host on The View by 2021.With the notable exception of an afternoon bender
Snooki doesn’t offer very many juicy revelations in the interview, possibly because everything juicy about Jersey Shore gets re-played at least 50 times in promos. (She does offer the intriguing claim that the cast wasn’t paid very much for season 1 — all the money they made came from working at the T-shirt shop.) She notes that the filming process for Shore involves over four dozen cameras filming 24 hours a day. “That’s why we go crazy,” she notes. “That’s why we fight with each other. That’s why we drink. We’re living in a house for two months with that s—. We can’t have cellphones, TV, radio, or the Internet.” It’s exactly like prison, except with awkward sex and gnarly alcohol, so it’s exactly like prison.
Snooki, it seems, doesn’t really want to be called “Snooki” anymore — it’s a nickname that has become her defining characteristic, and it’s leading her into an identity crisis recognizable to fans of Black Swan and quantum mechanics: “It’s hard for people to see you one way, but you’re really the other way, so it’s kind of like, ‘Who am I, who are you?’ Sometimes, I confuse even myself.” (In other news, human identity is fundamentally permeable, and the “self” is a lie that we construct to contrast ourselves with the bitter void of non-existence. It’s all here in this pamphlet.)
PopWatchers, do you think Snooki can build an empire? Will it be most comparable to the Romans, the Ottomans, or the Shi’Ar? And is it really possible to stay “sane” when you are on camera 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, being asked to play “yourself” except more interesting? What I’m saying is: If we had to live Snooki’s life, would we all be Snooki? Let’s discuss this over a couple glasses of Ron-Ron juice.
For more unnecessarily thoughtful musings about Jersey Shore, follow me on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich