Justin Bieber — hipster, hoopster, Canadian of the Millennium — got a haircut yesterday. Repeat: Justin Bieber has cut his famed Hair. The Hair was approximately six years old when it was cut down in the prime of its lush life. Bieber (pictured with Jay DeMarcus) made the decision to cut the cords for a video he was making with Rascal Flatts. No one has been arrested for the crime. Yet. The Hair was partially responsible for the wave of Biebermania that has soaked the adolescent masses and New England Patriot quarterbacks.
The locks will not have been cut in vain. Bieber tweeted last night that he intended to donate the fallen hairs to charity, where they will be auctioned. Even in death, the Hair will continue to be a beacon of goodness for the world. “Never in the field of human civilization was so much owed by so many to so few strands of hair,” said Winston Churchill’s great-great-great grandson.
There is the obvious concern that an open auction could allow the Hair to end up in the wrong hands. Rogue governments with not-so-secret ambitions to grow a herd of rainbow unicorns have been seeking the Hair for several years. Certainly, there are also some Hollywood record executives who would like a clone army of Biebers under their control. But it seems clear that rogue governments and record executives will be no match for 13-Year-Old Girls With Daddy’s Credit Card. It is these young patriots that will keep the Hair and our way of life safe.
God bless America (and Canada), and God bless Justin Bieber’s Hair.