20 Ways for Justin Bieber to Die on CSI
1. Falls down an elevator shaft.
2. Kills himself in an explosion, but the body is burnt beyond all recognition. (So there’s room for a return visit, if the whole music thing doesn’t work out.)
3. Is shot while nonchalantly purchasing a pack of cigarettes at the corner store.
4. Eaten to death by sharks.
5. Eaten to death by sharks with lasers.
6. Is crucified by Italian people, but gets resurrected. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)
7. Tries to climb Mount Olympus, leading Zeus to jealously hurl a lightning bolt at him. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)
8. Killed by evil galactic dictator Xenu in a hail of hydrogen bombs. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)
9. Hits the high note in “Unchained Melody,” causing his own brain to implode.
10. Plugs some kind of mystical hole with some kind of mystical rock, therefore rescuing the whole world for some nonsensical reason. Also, a cute dog appears!
11. Travels back in time to 1912, and brings Laurence Fishburne’s character Ray Langston back in time with him. They both drown on the Titanic, but not before altering the space-time continuum so William Petersen never left CSI. Everybody’s happy!
12. Dragged into the middle of the woods and shot. And then stars on Joey.
13. Shot while attempting to escape.
14. “Shot while attempting to escape.”
15. Tries to assassinate the president, is killed by Jack Bauer.
16. Explodes into a million pieces after exposing himself to sunrise for the first time in 2,000 years.
17. Dies, but then escapes from hell in a cool car to rescue his granddaughter.
18. Is revealed to actually be an 89-year-old Finnish woman with a saintly voice. Dies of natural causes.
19. Crushed by a rogue elephant.
20. Has sex with someone he loves, contracts neuro-syphilis.