MTV announced earlier today that Jersey Shore — the highest-rated TV show to ever feature a four-foot-nine tanning addict sticking her overheated rump into a mini-fridge — will fly to Italy for its upcoming fourth season. According to the press release, the cast is “excited to trade gorillas for Italian stallions,” which is really offensive, unless you actually picture a society where gorillas and stallions are an important part of the economy. Kids, this is crazy, crazy, crazy! I can’t contain myself. This is the best news I’ve heard since I stopped caring about the future of humanity. Jersey Shore is traveling to the country of Julius Caesar, of Leonardo da Vinci, of Federico Fellini. Most importantly, Italy is the country of Silvio Berlusconi, allegedly the only prime minister with a more smush-tastic personal life than the entire Jersey Shore cast put together. This news begs two questions:
1) How will Italy react to Jersey Shore?
2) Where should Jersey Shore invade next?
1) There’s a reason MTV is sending the cast to Italy, instead of more obvious party locales like Cancun, Ibiza, or wherever Skins is set. Jersey Shore is nominally about Italian-American culture, and according to EW’s crack team of underpaid scientists, you can’t have Italian-American culture without Italy. So it’s sort of like they’re returning to their homeland. (Every Italian-American show travels to Italy eventually — Everybody Loves Raymond, The Sopranos, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.) Of course, only about half the Shore cast is actually Italian. Also, since Jersey Shore‘s portrayal of Italian-American culture is basically “Drink, fight, eat, hug, and maybe go to Church,” we can suppose that the cast might actually have a hard time fitting in. Although who’s excited for the trip to Vatican City? Maybe the cast will be like goodwill diplomats. Remember when Benjamin Franklin was the U.S. Ambassador to France? This could be like that, except the Jersey Shore cast is prettier and less sexually active.
Let’s be honest: These people might actually be the worst tourists on the face of the earth. As far as we’ve seen on the show, only Vinny actually speaks any Italian. We can theorize that you might need at least a little Italian to get around in Italy. (Since some of the cast members can barely communicate in English, we could be looking at a whole season of hilarious miscommunication.) The cast will apparently visit Vinny’s Old World relatives, so look forward to an awkward night where the Situation and Pauly both try to smush Vinny’s second cousin, but they both end up striking out, because Pauly doesn’t hook up with his boys’ relatives and because the second cousin doesn’t get drunk enough to think Sitch is younger than 45. Then Vinny will hook up with his own second cousin, Snooki will vomit in a hot tub, and Sammi will stare in a mirror. Twist! Shyamalan!
As for 2) now that the show has left America, it’s possible to see an endless array of seasons spent traveling to faraway places. Wouldn’t you like to see what sort of trouble the Jersey Shore people could get up to in Scandinavia, where everyone is taller, blonder, and smarter than them? Or what about Jersey Shore in Tokyo? It would be just like Lost in Translation, except something would happen! Still, my personal favorite choice for a future season of the show: Jersey Shore Searches For El Dorado, in which the cast would travel down the Amazon in search of the Lost City of Gold. Just imagine the hilarity!
PopWatchers, are you excited/scared/overjoyed/driven to madness by the news that Jersey Shore will move to Italy? Where do you think their new beach house will be? Sicilia? Napoli? What will be their fake summer job? I’m hoping they’ll be stomping grapes in a winery. (We know they’re qualified, because they seem supremely capable of moving their feet.) And seriously, Berlusconi has to make an appearance on the show, right? I kid you not, if he hooked up with one of the cast members, it would be the 15th craziest thing he has been accused of doing as prime minister. (What, did you think America was the only ridiculous country on the face of the earth? Well, let this be your wake-up call: The whole world is insane.)
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich