Welcome back to Skating With the Stars, the low-rent-verging-on-homeless version of Dancing With the Stars! ‘Tis the season for not being able to get the cave-troll growl of British host Vernon Kay’s “liiiiive.” (compared to Tom Bergeron’s hearty “LIIIIIIIIVE!”) out of your rotting brain, no matter how hard you bang your head against the ice! What’s the use? What is the point of anything? I have no words. Here are some screengrabs.
‘SKATING WITH THE STARS’: 15 EPISODE 3 TRAINWRECKS!
‘STARS’ in big-ass silver-sparkly block letters during intros. LOL.
Dick Button’s face when Johnny Weir mentioned Beyoncé and Jay-Z as an example of a modern-day love story.
All better! (Awwwwww.)
Rebecca Budig wrapping her sparkly shawl around Dick’s head. It’s like she’s Baptizing him in sequins. (A longtime dream of mine. JEALOUS!)
The OVERWHELMING DECOR of the judges’ table, specifically the front/bottom of it. It’s not beautiful! Who decided it should take up half the screen???
Vernon’s dreadful fake laugh while introducing Rebecca: “She’s been advised to rest. Huh-HAHHHHH! That’s not going to happen.”
After Jonny Moseley skated right over one of his partner’s little ravioli hands during practice (“I bladed her,”) he just KEPT GOING for entire seconds!
BLOOD ON THE ICE.
The festive ski/hunting lodge decor behind Bethenny Frankel’s partner Ethan after Bethenny mouthed off about judge Laurieann Gibson. (“Hi, you’re a loser … I will slap her upside the head.”)
Bethenny’s “toe-touching” “spiral”
Bethenny’s “toe loop.” (Everyone was required to jump!)
Bethenny completing her transformation into a muppet monster: “WE GOT A 7!”
Dick Button, who is just dying for a repeat feature on The Soup, to Vince Neil: “Your stroking was better. You’re beginning to remember what you did at the age of 12 … I’m the TSA of figure skating and I see the talent in you!”
By the way, I love how some of the random wipeouts have to occur right next to the set. Try not to disturb Tribal Council with your flailing!
Vernon pretending to think it was sad that Brandon wouldn’t be skating due to food poisoning.
Brandon and Keauna were paid a visit from our old friends Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer from DWTS! Really, what else would they be doing? Hi, guys! I miss you! Hey, there’s our old friend, the rehearsal studio ficus!!! Anyway, Lacey really amped it up for the holidays with a heavy grandpa sweater in lieu of her usual tattered rags in lighter fabrics.
Keauna’s bitchface to Johnny Weir after he told her he’d have trouble judging their artistic performance based on rehearsal footage.
SCORES (“THE JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD!”)
Jonny Moseley & Brooke Castile: 8/9/7 technical + 9/9/9 artistic = 51/60
Rebecca Budig & Fred Palascak: 9/8/8 + 9/8/8 = 50/60
Brandon Mychal Smith & Keauna McLaughlin: 8/5/5 + 9/6/6 = 39/60
Bethenny Frankel & Ethan Burgess: 6/6/5 + 7/6/6 = 36/60
Vince Neil & Jennifer Wester: 6/5/5 + 7/6/7 = 36/60
Eliminated: Vince Neil and Jennifer Wester (Nooooooooo! He was so adorable skating with those kids!)
His score shall never rise up from the ice AND CRACK IT again.
Final thoughts: What is Laurieann smoking, scoring Brandon 9s when he wasn’t even in the sad ice cave? Rebecca was AMAZING. Bethenny was technically terrible but major props to her for even trying. I honestly have no idea how these people are willingly participating in a reality show ON ICE!?! I’d have quit on Day 2 (after tracking down and swiping the DANCMSTR license plate from the hallway connecting Planet Mirrorballus to the Sad Ice Cave).
Anyone else make it through Week 3? Should I continue the Skating With the Stars self-torture (this is sarcastic! I clearly enjoy it!) for the sake of “Internet art”?
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett