I somehow just sat through E!’s series premiere of Bridalplasty, a competitive reality series in which 12 soon-to-be-married or already-married brides creep around what is probably the same house as Beauty and the Geek in the hopes of injecting each other with poisonous “fillers.” Just kidding, though that would be a better show. On this show, the “ladies” compete in “challenges that will help you become closer and closer to the perfect bride.” It’s like True Beauty and The Swan wrapped into one dripping, greasy, liposuction/chicken rollup. At stake: An all-expenses-paid dream wedding and an all-you-can-eat plastic surgery buffet. GROSS. I honestly can’t believe I haven’t died yet. I’m gonna need a lot of non-plastic surgery by doctors without the word brow in their names to repair all of this internal damage!
‘Bridalplasty’: 15 Things That Made Me Die Inside
1. The way Lisa Marie says “fi-ahhhhhhhn-céééééé”
2. The irony of Jenessa claiming “I’m not one to fight what nature intends” (re: her fiance waiting four years to finally propose)
3. “I deserve to have something to be happy about.” –Jaimie, who is already really hot with a loving husband, two healthy kids, and a pool in the backyard. WHY ARE YOU THERE?!
4. Jenessa’s ongoing vendetta against Alexandra, who won’t shut up about having been on — and ultimately proposed to on a season finale of — The Biggest Loser. You already got your shot at “fame,” bitch!
5. “I think I’ll always regret not being at the airport to welcome him home.” –Melissa, whose honey T.J. was deployed to Iraq in January. (He arrived at the house as a surprise guest!)
6. “The worst part about our relationship is having to say goodbye all the time.” –T.J.’s final words as he left his wife behind to compete in a reality show about plastic surgery
7. Host Shanna Moakler claiming that the resident plastic surgeon, Dr. Dubrow (!!!!!!!), had “worked on plenty of celebrities, including some of my very good friends.”
8. “Comedian” Allyson making her “spare tire” talk
9. Dr. Dubrow telling Kristen she had “perfect breasts for doing a breast augmentation”
10. “Your aereolas are going down a little bit.” –Dr. Dubrow to Ashley
11. “At the top of the stairs are your bridal closets….” –Shanna introducing the challenge
12. The challenge required the “ladies” to put together “magnetic puzzle pieces of what you COULD look like at the end of your journey” over pictures of the “ladies” as they look today, in all their disgusting, God-given glory.
13. “I’m probably one of the more intelligent girls in the house, let’s face it. Kristen and Cheyenne — I’m sure they’re gonna be excellent citizens of the U.S., but let’s not go there.” –Jenessa (Wait, are they not citizens? Kick them out!)
14. “I’m stoked! Let’s take care of my buttface!” –Kristen, who arrived first at Dr. Dubrow’s Exclusive Injectables Party
14a. “EXCLUSIVE INJECTABLES PARTY”
14b. You needed to win a syringe in order to be admitted to the exclusive injectables party. “Three brides. Two syringes.” –Shanna (I keep wanting to call her Alison Sweeney!)
15. Netty getting upset that Ashley pawned her engagement ring to make a payment on her car. “If you need food on the table, I can understand.” But not a car?! (Netty insisted Ashley should have been taking the bus.) What if there’s not a bus near her house? Shut the f— up, Netty! You big, fat, pot.
Deep breath, Annie.
Wait, I know. This might help!
5 Things on ‘Bridalplasty’ that actually kind of ruled
1. Dr. Dubrow. Has to be a stage name, right? (The stage is life.)
2. “Those skinny bitches? Like, run it. I could seriously swallow her and you wouldn’t even know. You’d just be like ‘Are you bloated?'” –Ashley (She was voted off. My fave! Nooooooo!)
3. The quick cut to Dominique guzzling a bottle of beer after her own voiceover indicated that she wanted a chance to “be that beautiful bride”
4. During the “This season on Bridalplasty….” montage, someone said “volumptuous.” New word!
Anyone else make it through the hour? What kinds of surgeries do you now need? Discuss the Bridalplasty series premiere below!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett