Oh well! It’s not like she’s trying. Vh1’s new reality series Football Wives (debuting tonight at 10:30 ET) has nothing to do with the practically perfect-in-every-way British megadrama Footballers Wive$. I basically just thought this would be a perfect excuse to picture alpha-bitch Tanya Turner on PopWatch. Plus, after everything Amanda says during the premiere — “I have my own jewelry line.” “Leonard and I have a chain of restaurants called SmashBurger.” “Oh my God. Seriously? Who leaves Bible study?” — I like to imagine Tanya exhaling a sharp stream of cigarette smoke into Amanda’s face. Anyway.
If you catch tonight’s premiere, discuss the crazy in the comments! After the break, let’s meet Football Wives’ major players…
Amanda Davis, wife of Leonard, is like the mother hen of the group if hens sparkled and sprouted significant hair extensions. Loves bling, the hallway-spanning portrait of herself, and Jesus. Threw a MASSIVE eye roll right in front of Pilar after confirming that she and Leonard were building a house just down the street from Pilar.
Chanita Foster, wife of George, is new in town and ready stir up s— among this carefully cast “group.” It’s almost like she was recruited to Dallas instead of her husband, to play the starring role of Crazy on this show. Chanita attended Amanda’s three hours of Bible study like a good cast member “friend,” then decided to become very personally offended when Pilar and Melani left the gathering to attend “a movie premiere.” As soon as Chanita spoke up at lunch, it was like Pilar deigned to acknowledge her lowly buffoon-like existence for the first time. “Oh my gosh. Who is this girl?” asked Pilar. Chanita felt threatened. “I’m ’bout to turn into the other Chanita — Chanita from Detroit. I should politely go over to Pilar and punch her in the face.” Pilar had not done anything to Chanita directly! Clearly, the season will revolve around Chanita’s whims, and it’s so convenient that she has multiple personalities.
“Girl, you got real issues,” summed up Pilar.
Pilar Biggers, wife of Deion Sanders. You may know these two from Oxygen’s 2008 series Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love! She and Deion run a football camp for kids, but he won’t let her walk on the field. At a KIDS’ CAMP. Pilar seems to just be along for the ride on this show, but she’s such a fiery mega-bitch that casting her was a no-brainer. I liked her football-inspired vocabulary at lunch, after Chanita groaned Pilar’s way during a conversation that had nothing to do with Chanita. “Let me break in and intercept that.”
Melani, wife of Rocket Ismali, who retired in 1992. She’s just hanging out, doing whatever Pilar says. Left her husband at Amanda’s Bible study, which is probably okay because he’s an inspirational speaker who speaks at churches.
Erin, wife of Australian import Mat McBriar, whose mom already has a “baby room” for them. Meh.
Dawn, wife of veteran tight end Ryan Neufeld. Works as a lawyer to help pay for their autistic son’s health care bills and it’s still not enough. They don’t know if he’ll even have a job next year.
Brittany, girlfriend of kicker David Buehler. Yeah, she works at Hooters. So what?
Will you give Football Wives a shot? Is it better than Basketball Wives? Are you going to do the right thing and immediately purchase Footballers Wive$ on DVD?