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'Jersey Shore' recap: A wretched hive of scummy villains

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The problem is that, with Angelina gone, the house has lost its scapegoat. You could blame anything on her. Our letter-writing campaign blew up in our faces? Blame Angelina! We couldn’t bring home any chicks? Blame Angelina! I’m a roid-addled botox-slurping man-child who unironically wears my sunglasses at night? Blame Angelina! But the Great Nemesis is gone now, and that leaves our beloved housemates in an awkward position. They are left with nothing but one stark truth: They are all quite awful people, actually. They lack even the most basic communication skills. They are vain, selfish, materialistic, proudly uneducated. They drink like college freshmen and smush like horny mutant bunny rabbits. But their self-proclaimed leader is the worst of them all. As last night’s episode proved, The Situation is the secret villain of Jersey Shore.

You could tell things were bad when Sitch put on his vest before he went out to the club. “Sitch wearing a vest” is like “Spider-Man wearing the black costume”: you just know some weird Freudian evil is going to happen. Sure enough, Mr. Circumstance attacked ladies with his trademark panzer-tank charm. One girl charmingly screamed, “Help me!” Another girl flirtatiously pleaded, “I’m, like, begging you. I’m trying to have fun, but you’re, like, too much.” Rargh! Women refusing Situation! Situation angry! Situation become passive-aggressive! A minor scuffle broke out between Sitch and Snooks. Sitch wanted to go home. Snooks refused. “Snooki’s drunk and she doesn’t understand,” said Mr. Circumstance, “She acts like she’s 10 years old.” Pot, meet kettle. You should get to know each other. You have so much in common. For one thing, you’re both the same color, you goon!

Viewers, we have fun here. We cheer for Vinny when he breaks through the stern Mitteleuropean resolve of Romanian Ramona (henceforth RomRam). We have a good laugh when Snooki and her friend Ryder mix vodka, rum, chocolate syrup, barbecue sauce, ice cream, and maybe some binder paper into one terrible cocktail. We marvel at how the cast of Jersey Shore dances exactly like the cast of Charlie Brown. But there’s nothing funny about the Situation’s King Lear-esque descent into narcissistic anger.

“Everybody knows I’m a pimp,” argued Mr. Circumstance. Fair enough, sir, but Great Scott, even pimpery has its moral limits!  When Vinny went to the bathroom, Sitch tried to pull a robbery. RomRam refused him. So Sitch spent the night pouting and looking longingly at Vinny. (Side note #1: Isn’t Situation’s obsession with robbing Vinny just a shattered-mirror reflection of Angelina’s obsession with Snooki’s sloppy seconds? Side note #2: Snooki’s Sloppy Seconds will be a show someday, so prepare yourself.)

The Situation made his way to Snooki. He went in for a kiss. She refused him. Then he told her it was time to go. She refused him. So he slapped her in the mouth. It was beyond disturbing, especially since his explanation was, “I’m the motherf—ing daddy of this house!” So, let’s map out the psychodrama here:

1. The Situation as Father Figure: He considers himself the household’s primary authoritarian and provider.

2. The Situation as Romantic Figure: He seeks sexual solace with his sister/daughter figure, Snooki.

3. The Situation as Child Figure: When Snooki maternally refuses his advances, he acts out like a spurned child.

As the episode ended, Mr. Circumstance went around to all of his supposed family members, asking if they were ready to go. Everyone refused him. Poor Situation. He thinks he’s Tony Soprano Season 2, but he’s actually Tony Soprano Season 6.

More Psychopompous Dispatches from the Ninth Circle of Freudian Hell:

-JWoww on the boys’ pool party: “A little homosexual, three guys in a hot tub.” A little?

-Unless my eyes deceive me, Vinny drank five red bulls while he was waiting for RomRam to show up. Watch out, Vin-Vin, my buddy told me that stuff will make your brain explode.

-Vinny had a decision: Go to the beach with two sure-thing girls, or go to the beach with one longshot girl? It was just like Schrodinger’s Cat, except with more bikinis.

-Romania looks like a fish.

-JWoww and Snooki wanted to save a lobster. Snooki thought lobsters ate insects. They put it in a bowl of fresh water. It promptly died a horrible death. WE REALLY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM.

-Oh dear holy god, what if Ryder doesn’t get on her flight? That would just be the worst thing ever! Agony! Sorrow! I’ll die! Suicide! Murder-suicide! The world will just end if Ryder doesn’t…oh, she’s here.

-Ryder, Snooki, and JWoww felt each other’s boobs. JWoww: “I like my boobs.” And I like my Xbox 360, but you don’t see me bragging about my expensive stuff, do you?

-I kid. JWoww is my process-of-elimination favorite person in the house. She has Lauren Bacall’s voice, Joan Crawford’s attitude, Winona Ryder’s hatred for the high school oligarchy, and except for last season’s dalliance with Pauly D, she’s avoided engaging in any Shorecest.

-The Situation: “My grandpappy was a pimp. His grandpappy was a pimp.” Pause to visualize Great-Great-Grand-Sitch creeping on Gilded Age honeys.  Guys, I think the American experiment has failed.

-I kind of love how the Telltale Letter is basically the sole plotline of this season. Who knew the youth of America still wrote letters? Maybe there’s hope for us, after all.

-Sammi on Sitch’s weirdness: “If I met him, I’d hate him.” Ronnie, in a rare moment of perception: “You did meet him! And you made out with him!”

Viewers, is the Situation Darth Vader, or is he the Emperor? Are you a little bit sad that Pauly D’s Cuban girl seems to have disappeared? Does Sammi do anything but straighten her hair, talk on the phone, and pout? Let’s discuss this all later. I’ll meet you at the pool, and we’ll have some Miami Vices.

@EWDarrenFranich