1. Police cite James Gandolfini for running stop sign and not having valid license, impound truck
Good to see that a fictional Mafia boss doesn’t get preferential… Huh. It turns out there was a little misunderstanding. And we’re buying him a new car (or four).
2. New book alleges Jon Bon Jovi dumped Diane Lane after he caught her with Richie Sambora
So that’s who gave love a bad name.
3. Sesame Street won’t air Katy Perry segment in which she wears revealing dress
I’m not saying her outfit was trashy, but apparently Oscar tried to get inside it.
4. Lindsay Lohan avoids jail stay, but given third SCRAM bracelet
One’s for formal occasions, one’s for casual, and one’s just for getting CRAAAAAAAAAAAAZY!
5. David Hasselhoff kicked off Dancing With the Stars
So many ways to put it: ”Hoff you go!” ”The lights went Hoff!” And, of course, the classic: ”Your dancing sucks!”
6. Joaquin Phoenix returns to Letterman, blames weird behavior during last visit on being in character for ”documentary”
Said Letterman: ”No need to explain. Remember when I admitted to having those affairs with my staffers? Made the whole thing up.”
7. Stone Temple Pilots postpone tour after Scott Weiland’s odd performance
Open file ”Weiland-Related Tour/Album Delay Press Release.” Change date. Save. Select all contacts. Send e-mail.
8. Paris Hilton denied entry to Japan in wake of drug charges
Asked how this might affect her global brand, Hilton blinked blankly twice and cooed, ”That’s hot.” She then paused and said, ”You know there are no real answers here, just dead eyes, right?”
9. Lady Gaga’s meat dress to be preserved by being turned into jerky
Said Carmen Miranda’s rotting hat: ”Age gracefully, will ya?”
10. Max Weinberg won’t be drummer on Conan’s new TBS show
I guess Conan told him to beat it. Rim shot, please! [Silence] Oh, right. Anyone know how to play drums?