It’s late! Night is on its way and by now I am very, very afraid of the dark. So let’s get right to it.
Shawn and Ray are twins who mightily made the trip all the way from Losertown, U.S.A. They want to “see if girls will accept us individually and not as part of a package deal,” says one of them. Dating in the dark will be great experience! “To show off who I am without my twin is just phenomenal,” says the other, or maybe the same one. I’m not going to bother telling them apart. They’re twins — they don’t deserve it. This cruel, cruel world has deemed it so. Also, you — whoever you are — have you ever considered just leaving the house by yourself?
First group-meet. Shawn says “I like the white and red wine” and Kahleel intuits that “Shawn seems really sarcastic.” Kayla is ticked off because she was raised vegan which naturally means everyone else in the world should be as annoying vegan as she is. Right away, Kayla interrupts vegetarian Kahleel and Kahleel (pictured) gets pissed off.
Oh, of course, the first round of one-on-one dates. Here, Ray pollinates Kayla with his gross tongue. She was begging for it and all he had to do was not have B.O.! “One thing that really turns me on is a guy who wears deoderant.” It is later revealed that Kayla herself wears Old Spice, and I kind of would have liked to see some more exploration of that.
Suzanne, 24, starts off strong but within seconds becomes insufferable. “I love kids, but me and sleep are best friends. So I’m really not ready to give it up. I didn’t drink ’til after high school. I teach Sunday School at my church. Good girl, good grades, I’m also a good listener, but I’m ADD. Not an annoying teacher’s pet.” NEXT.
Kahleel fires off the tough questions at Shawn. “Why are you single? What’s the longest relationship you’ve had? Six months? Why so short?” I have just one for her: Why do you think you are Minnie Mouse?
Everyone gets to rummage through each other’s crap. The guys are confused by something in Kahleel’s suitcase. “What do you think this is for?” They decide it’s undies but I feel like that thing could be another makeshift wacky hair accessory. I kind of want it. Undies or headband, whatever, I just kind of like it. “Does anyone know what airbrushed legs are?” Wow, these guys really are new to reality television.
Uh oh. Kayla finds a fishing map that belongs to Ray. “Oh my God. Ray has a map.” No way. “It says ‘fishing information.'” Girrrrrrrrllllllll you can’t be serious! “He told me he was an animal lover and he’s a fisherman.” DIRTBAG!
Kayla is able to move on. “What was special about Harrison’s suitcase was the clothes he wore,” says the proud graduate of the third grade. Her final project for the class’ Narrative Writing unit continues: “I like Harrison’s suitcase way better than Ray’s suitcase. It just all fit such a beach vibe casual theme going on.”
OMG. Orange lamp: a long-lost daughter of the red-orange pineapple? Classic case of the offspring turning out to be taller than the parent. She sits, quietly, hoping to be spotted yet never making any rash moves. Red-orange pineapple will find orange lamp if it wants to. Theirs is a proud species.
Suzanne will not quit speed-talking about her ADD. “I was never medicated as a child my parents were like that’s stupid.” Was it? Also, Suzanne announces she is divorced. It’s supposed to be shocking but no one even cares.
The next series of one-on-one dates takes place in the same room but now it’s an ice cream parlor. All three women choose Harrison. Maybe they can sense an icky “twin” vibe from the other two. Harrison can’t wait to spend more QT with ADD Suzanne. “Maybe if I put a little bit of ice cream in her mouth she won’t be able to talk,” he hopes. Works every time, bro, amirite???
Harrison demands that Kahleel “put the nuts next to the banana.” Were they not already in place? Harrison: “Kahleel and I had the kind of fun you’re supposed to have with an ice cream parlor in the dark.” Awww. I think we all remember our first Ice Cream Parlor in the Dark playset. I remember making one sundae tearfully screech to the other, Then why don’t you go MARRY an ice cream sandwich???
Kayla “really really wants to kiss again” and promises Harrison she won’t tell anyone if he lets her. She promises! It’ll just air on TV — it’ll be exactly like not telling anybody. It’s your little secret. “I have so much sexual tension with you,” Kayla announces because they’re in the dark and how else would he know?
There’s splatter paint on the ice cream parlor walls. It’s probably always been there, alongside the bodily fluids and deep despair.
Shawn and Ray agree: “There’s not a single girl we would like to see in the light.” Okay, so leave! Nope, instead it’s time to drink. Check out the decanter! Rossi Morreale’s gotta keep it classy in his prop manse.
Time for the big reveals! It’s just Harrison being revealed to crazy Kayla and “high-maintenance” Kahleel, who had multiple bags of makeup in her luggage. The horror! Harrison’s excited to see Kahleel. “I picture her being African-American with a great smile. I picture her being stone-cold beautiful so I don’t even have to worry about it.” Uhhhhh.
Harrison brags to the loser-twins: “Her body was just as attractive as it felt. I thought she was absolutely beautiful. That could be a result of the makeup. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.” Tough times ensue for Harrison, who must choose between Kahleel and Kayla. “I’m not used to taking girls’ feelings into consideration,” says Harrison.
Harrison hems and haws and wonders if Kayla might be better for him because she’s more low-maintenance than Kahleel. And he’s right. If anything screams “low-maintenance,” it’s a goopy, semi-even spray tan, excessive eyeliner, and sequin appliques on one’s dress. Meanwhile, everyone waits. Kayla, on the balcony.
Kahleel pretty much sums up the entire premise of the series: “We looked at each other and were like ‘we won!’ because we will definitely be seeing each other. So to all those people laughing at me in high school — I got the guy, and guess what? He’s hot!”
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett