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'Jersey Shore' recap: Wifed Up

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Last night’s special episode of Jersey Shore started with Angelina walk-of-shaming away from Vinny’s increasingly-popular bed. Maybe he realized that he was becoming the human incarnation of the Community Smush room, because Vinny decided to make a change. He met a nice girl in the club, and purposefully did not make moves to smush, smash, or slam. “This is the kind of girl you take out on a date,” he explained, sounding like an archeologist describing the lost city of Atlantis. Alas for our poor openhearted Vin, Ramona the dancer turned him down. Twice. He got flowers, and he got a haircut, but he had no girl. All wifed up with nowhere to go.

All the action was orbiting around Vinny last night. Snooki was upset that Angelina hooked up with Vinny so soon after she did. (Snooki bestowed this zinger upon our virgin ears: “Obviously, she’s a loosey-goose, because she got it in.”) The Situation was also upset…but only for reasons of science. According to him, Angelina’s refusal to hook up with Jose, even after he spoiled her with watches and non-douchebaggery, proved definitively that nice guys finish last. “Angelina has proven the Ho Equation,” concluded Dr. Sitch, PhD.

Most tragically, Vinny had to play beta male to two alpha dogs. After Vin-Vin did his best Michael Cera impression on the phone with Ramona, Pauly D dropped this must-memorize line on his lady: “Vinny is gonna take the girl he’s in love with. I’m gonna take the girl I’m in love with. You can come, too.” Meanwhile, Vinny’s Uncle Nino stole the show from everyone. Sure, he spoke no language I have ever heard, and he called JWoww “Jay-Gwoww.” But he got Jay-Gwoww into the hot tub for the first time all season. And that’s why Uncle Nino is a great American hero.

More Scientific Observations from Dr. Situation’s Vacation Station:

– According to the Situation, “Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry: everybody gets a ride, and it’s free.” Well, maybe, but the Situation is the Staten Island Railway: still runs all night, but it could use another facelift.

-Snooki thought that Angelina knocked the volleyball into her face on purpose, but it looked like an accident. I don’t think Angelina is evil on purpose. She just does stupid things and refuses to apologize for them.

-The best way to say “I’m about to smush”: “My chick has got my sweatpants on.”

-The worst way to say “I’m awkwardly watching my best friend smush”: “I got front-row seats for a slam session.”

-According to Pauly D, if a girl comes over to your house at 3:30 AM, she’s DTF. And if she comes over at 6:30 AM, she won’t bat an eyelash at somebody eating an egg sandwich while they watch you hook up.

-Uncle Situation washes his hair with hot tub water.

-Kids: Girls do not like being called “sympathy dates.”

-Grammar check: You “smash” someone, but you “smush” with someone.

-The Situation got all Captain America when Angelina cheated on Jose. But c’mon, he wouldn’t say a word about Ron-Ron cheating on Sammi. Hypocrite! I bow to Ronnie, who broke all kinds of gender norms when he noted sagely of Angelina: “She got game.”

-Angelina told Jose she hooked up with Vinny. Vinny chose that exact moment to do a dance right in front of them. I would roughly describe his dance as “The Victorious Muppet Tango.”

What did you think of the episode, PopWatchers? And did you spot the Jersey Shore kids on the VMAs last night? Don’t you wish they had hosted the show from their hot tub? And how do we feel about JWoww being officially added to the show’s A-Team?

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