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'Big Brother' recap: Tiny tables, tiny brains, and big cash

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big-brother-lane

Image Credit: Cliff Lipson/CBSWhat tonight’s episode of Big Brother lacked in surprises (nominations = expected), it made up for in nonsense. At this point, I’m okay with that. [SPOILERS from here on out. Do not continue reading if you haven’t watched Sunday’s episode yet.]

We picked up with the Christmas-themed HOH competition, where Santa-hating ball-buster Britney continued her ball-busting ways with what could be the cheapest ornaments ever produced. A frighteningly orange-tinged Hayden (or was it my TV?) put his 21/22 years of Christmas tree decorating experience (24-2 = 22, Hayden) to use and won the competition, grabbing one of the season’s most valuable HOHs. “When I busted into this joint, did you ever think I would get this far?” he asked. Honestly, no. But good for you, doompadee doo.

And just like that, the “boom-boom-Brigade” secured at least two players in the final three. Britney, knowing her place on the block was as inevitable as us being subjected to another diary room segment of Enzo’s self-congratulating, began to sulk and briefly became one of those “weird [people] who just naps all day on their own.” Where are sock puppets when you need them (…and I don’t mean Hayden)?

We narrowly missed watching a major disaster as Lane tried to figure out how to work the propane grill in the backyard. The man doesn’t have the brain power to figure out simple probability, so I’d like to know whose idea it was to put him in charge of lighting the fire, because that person is an even bigger idiot.

On to the luxury competition, where the final four duked it out for $10,000. (Or whatever that is in beer and Muscle Milk.) Each contestant was given a coin and had to hide it inside the Big Brother house, which, by the way, welcomed the inevitable four-seat table this week. Then, the houseguests were told to find each other’s coins. The last one standing won the big bucks. Britney ended up victorious after hiding her coin underneath chicken parts in the trash. Lucky for her, Hayden had discarded the trash outside early in the competition, thinking it was merely waste. Lane said Britney would probably use the money for “lipstick and leggings,” which was a little insulting. She’d clearly find other uses for it — like tanning and massages.

When Britney wasn’t contemplating her future grand financial investments, she busied herself starting pillow fights outside, de-butching the house to a level that made the girly shampoo Hayden got in his HOH basket look like a copy of Die Hard.

Speaking of hard, Lane has fallen for Britney — and he’s fallen hard. I’d honestly rather watch 24 hours of Lane’s shameless flirting than two seconds of Brenchel. But will the “beauty” ever learn to love The Beast?

We may never find out, because both are on the block this week, which wasn’t a total surprise. And unless Britney works major magic this week, we can start pre-taping those goodbye messages.

So that’s all, PopWatchers. Let’s talk shop. Will Hayden and Enzo remain loyal to Lane if nominations remain the same after the Veto competition? Who is your dream final two? Can you believe we’re down to four? Or is this season like waiting for the ending of one of the Harry Potter movies?

Also, while you’re still here, check out Dalton Ross’ interview with Ragan below. And follow me on Twitter (@EWSandraG) for more.